Next chapter

I'm here. There's lots to process since Mom's passing. 

I think the best possibility is to relocate to the family home in Massachusetts. Knowing that Dad's 84, in a fragile mental condition and living alone screams a message of need to me. My Wife and I had been talking for years about moving out of rural Nevada. We both have family in New England. There are possibilities for her to stay with a cousin while I get the family home in better condition and able to house us.

My sister seems okay with the idea of assisted living for Dad but it seems irresponsibly expensive. He's in a place that has been home for more than 50 years. It's like "muscle memory," he knows the quirks of the house. Mom and Dad lived frugally and amassed a reasonable nest egg. One night Dad was on a rant about needing to be in a nursing home or "old folks" home. I asked if he was comfortable spending thousands of dollars each month for such a thing. He was shocked when I gave him the number for living in one of those places. For now, we're still in Nevada and my sister and her husband are 30 minutes away from Dad but I think they're beyond burned out on taking care of old people.

Mom's funeral was a nice gathering for our family.  I got to see friends and family members that I've not seen in 30 years. We'd worried that nobody would show up. We were wrong, very wrong. I think we had about 50 at the funeral and 35 at the dinner.

Aside from my wife, all of my immediate family was there. Dad, Sister, Brother in Law, my three kids and Son's wife and my ex-wife. She and her husband went east back in September and made a point to have dinner with the family. Mom was very happy to have seen them. We had no idea that she'd pass shortly after.  Despite the circumstances, everyone was great. We had a very nice visit, My Son has never been back to Massachusetts since we left and his Wife had never been. They got to see things that blew their minds. A few years ago, my daughters had come with me for my cousin's wedding. We spent time exploring things that they had found online.  Places like Emily Dickinson's house and the Beneski Museum of Natural History, both in Amherst Massachusetts. At my first job, I worked down the street and unknowingly drove by the place lots of times. For this trip, the kids all decided to see the Beneski again. My Daughter in Law wanted to see it. I had other plans for part of the day so I got there about an hour before closing and had time to look at most of the fossils.  After that, we went to Yankee Candle in South Deerfield, we stayed until closing at Yankee and then drove up to the condo we rented before moving west so the kids could see it. This was Tuesday, the day after the funeral. Everyone was scheduled to fly out late Wednesday afternoon which gave us another chance to share lunch with Dad and my Sister and her Husband. The family had to be out of their AirBnB by 10, so Dad and I went to help wrap up the move-out. It was a cold and wet morning. After leaving, the kids wanted to visit a store they'd seen while driving to their Mom's friend. That turned out to be a wild goose chase but it was an adventure when it started snowing... on November first. We had some extra time before our lunch date so we went to see dinosaur tracks along the Connecticut river in Holyoke. Another place that I've been by countless times and had no idea that it existed. My ex and I lived almost directly across the river even. The kids and I went out into the rain and looked at the the many tracks, their Mom and my Dad stayed in the warm car and out of the rain.

There's more.

I'll follow up soon.

thanks for being here for me.

Heather.

Eleven Seventeen. One month and two days since...

 Yup, I've not posted since August. 

Things. You know.

Just... Things.

85 years, my Mom lived 85 years and two weeks.

I spent three weeks back east.

My birthday morning, I had a text message from a lifelong friend asking if I was aware that an ambulance was dispatched to my family's home. It was the first word I'd had that something was bad. Mom had been having a hard getting rest and not eating well. I contacted my sister who told me that Mom seemed to be doing okay after getting to the hospital. Ultimately we'd later learn that on the morning that Mom was taken to the hospital she'd had a heart attack overnight and an abdominal mass was later discovered. She spoke to the doctors about wanting to live and was prepped for surgery to address the mass. It was bad. Worse than anyone had expected. Wednesday afternoon, Mom and my sister sang a birthday greeting to me. I never expected for that to be the last time I'd hear Mom's voice. She went to surgery Thursday or Friday (it's a blur). I made arrangements to travel, arriving Friday evening. Surgery found that there was a cancerous mass that had attached to and constricted her internal organs. They took what they could but the mass was too aggressive. Mom was on a ventilator and all types of meds to force her heart to beat to maintain blood pressure. She was heavily sedated but was able to give feedback by squeezing our hand or wrinkling her forehead. She had previously expressed that she had no desire to live connected to machines in a vegetative state. She passed peacefully late Sunday night, five days after being taken in the ambulance.

My Dad's short term memory is gone. He has no concept of what happened yesterday or this morning or a few minutes ago. During the three weeks I'd stayed at the house, there were a couple of nights where Dad would knock at my bedroom door and ask where Mom was... There were evenings that I'd have to remind Dad that Mom's gone.. It's heartbreaking. Almost like living in the movie "Fifty first dates" or 'Groundhog Day." Having to relive the experience of telling Dad that his wife of 64 years is gone... Doing this over and over and over. Sometimes, multiple times per day. Still happens, He called a couple nights ago.

And by now you're asking if he's been diagnosed with any medical or brain condition. No,he hasn't. I think Mom and my sister were too proud to be frank with the doctors. I can't say what was discussed with the most recent doctor visit that happened this week. I haven't had a chance to go over it with my sister.

I think I'm going to move across the continent to take care of Dad. My sister has been taking care of both parents, nearly every day for at least five years. She retired last year and hasn't had a chance to have time off. 

There are some good things that have happened from losing Mom. While I was at the house, I told him about my gender identity. I openly dressed in female type clothing around the house and a couple of times when we'd gone out. Really, there is nothing good about losing Mom. Nothing.

I'll add to this story later. This has been a long week. I've been back home for two weeks and it's been non-stop.

Remember to call your loved ones, someday they won't be there and you'll wish they were able to answer your phone call.

Heather.

Regarding coming out...

I think I've discovered freedom. I don't have to hide. I don't have to feel like a part of me is locked away. I feel that a weight has been lifted from my back. Has that weight been replaced by breast forms on my chest?   I'm happier. I feel better about myself.  Sure, there are times when life irritates me. This is 2023, our world is still filled with people who are intolerant but how we navigate our daily lives is really what defines us and what defines trans people in the eyes of others. Aside from 2/3 of my kids and ex wife, I still have not come out to any of my other family members. Mom probably suspects since she's seen me in person and I always share photos of my exploits at drag queen bingo and Halloween.  Dad won't remember what I told him five minutes ago.  Also, I haven't come out on Facebook.  I'm thinking it may be time to do that on October 11.  It'll be iconic to do so on National Coming Out Day.

I saw a friend Wednesday for the first time in at least a year. Debbie jumped right on the correct pronouns. I was thrilled! It felt good to see someone you've known for years and be accepted. Again, how we're perceived in the eyes of others...  My presentation isn't perfect. I wear the best clothing I can get and afford. I know I need to work on my makeup skills. My hair sometimes looks like I've run a marathon. It's life, what do we do? 

It's still 2023 and only yesterday a person replied to me on Facebook using a derogatory slur often implying a gay male. The offending character's Facebook profile shows how "they kneel for the cross" and also "stand with trump." I'm neither a gay male nor am I, using the British meaning, a bundle of sticks. I'm married and have three kids. Not to imply that gay men have never married women or fathered children but lumping any person into a category just to insult them is simply ignorant.  The brilliant Facebook user also shows his employer in his Facebook profile and whether it helps me or not I messaged that employer with links to the comments made by their employee and screenshots to support the link in case they're pulled by Facebook. Just another day, 2023.

Last week, I had another "first."  I went to a doctor as Heather. Not my primary doctor, it was a first visit to an ENT.  Backstory: a couple years ago I'd started seeing an ENT and had been told to come back after getting my blood pressure under control.  It took a few months to get into my primary doctor, change meds and find the right prescription after discovering a side effect of the first drug. Late last year we got a message from that first ENT that they're retiring and I'd need to find a different doctor. So we waited until my annual visit with my primary doctor and got a referral to this new one. Yay, starting over. So I went to this doctor last week.  I decided that since there's a clean slate, she's going to see the real me.  I check-in, fill out forms, wait and wait some more... They call me to the back, my wife and I go through the door and sit... A few minutes later the doctor comes out and calls my "other" name but doesn't realize that the woman in a pink cap, black skort and well filled tee shirt who had replied is the guy she's calling.  It took her a couple seconds for it to click.  She asked a couple questions about whether I'd had any medical changes done, drugs or hormones and asked if this was real or a gag.  I explained that it's real and I'm happy.   She was cool with my answer and the first visit was perfectly pleasant and welcoming.  Again, starting over.  I have a deviated septum, serious blockage in my nasal cavities (70 & 80% blocked), sleep apnea, probable allergies to cats and dogs, recommended a sleep study and nasal sprays and follow-ups.  Before this, the closest I've been to seeing a doctor as Heather was last November when we went to a specialist for my wife's edema.  I was dressed androgynously: leggings, tee-shirt and smaller breast forms.  

Have a great Friday and an amazing weekend!

Heather

Another first, another self outing.

 Hello! 

On of my closest friends has recently undergone a surgical procedure. I don't exactly know what was repaired but I know that something in the boy parts or rectal region has been bothering him for a number of months. His Mom has been staying with him to help with his recovery. She was supposed to return home tomorrow.but will stay at least another week. While here, she's rented a car and the agreement was to turn it back in today but she's staying another week. I had offered use of my car and yesterday, my friend called asking if I'm still willing to lend my car and he offers his truck for me to use. Of course! I'd do almost anything for this friend. I told him I'd be down tomorrow (which is tonight) after work.  

After talking to him yesterday, I'd started working on a plan. Will I head home to change before driving an hour and a half? Do I bring a change of clothes and change along the way? Do I just go directly after work? I told him I'd call mid-day to confirm when I'll be down. Today comes, I call him on my way home for lunch and let him know that "I'm leaving directly after work and will be wearing exactly what I wear every day to work." I know that he had no clue about what I meant by very specifically saying that.

During lunch, I check the fluid levels and top the wiper fluid. After work, the car takes me to the city without incident, stop at a carwash, stop at Costco to fill the fuel tank and go to his house. Ring the bell, Mom answers and I say what I said when I arrived at my family's house last November, "I look a bit different now." She greets me and ask how everything is, asks after my wife and my parents. It was nice.

I haven't driven a vehicle with a manual transmission in four or five years. I haven't driven a vehicle with a manual transmission in HEELS since 1998 or 1999!  

Everything went well taking his truck home.

Another adventure in the books. Another outing, too.

Heather

Another day in the books.

Hi everyone!

My wife and I used to be responsible for a huge part of the "operation" with the volunteer group. There are many people involved with the group in 2023 and the two of us have taken different roles. In the past, each of us would regularly have direct interaction with the people using our group's services, again lots of volunteers so we're doing other things.

We went to the city yesterday. My wife had a follow-up dental visit and I had prescriptions to be filled and some ready to collect that had been ordered from the wrong pharmacy.  I wore a black skort, black lace bra with my biggest breast forms and a white vee necked tee shirt to take care of all of our business while she was being attended to by the dentist. Everything went well.

Yesterday, there were other events happening for the group and my wife and I were called in to do what we used to do on a weekly basis. After we got home from our visit to the city, we had a couple of hours to kill and then went out.  I changed my shirt so I wouldn't soil it, changing it to my regular pre-stained volunteering shirt. It was a good day. When we got there, the driver was already there and another volunteer too. It really would have been better if the volunteer guy had stayed home, he created more of a hassle than was necessary. Loud. abrasive and much like a bull in the china shop when we needed calm. One lady who received help from our group had been helped in the past and I remembered her from that previous visit and I see her regularly at my "real" job. She addressed me as "Miss." Woo hoo!

I've interacted with so many people in many different ways over the last few days. I'm so much more comfortable in life as Heather than any other way. This has been one of the best life decisions that I've ever made. 

Just another day in the life, I guess.

Heather.

I DID IT!

I attended our group's thank you event IN A DRESS!

It was as amazing as I'd imagined it would be.

I wore the same dress I'd worn last year on Halloween and when I'd voted in the mid-term elections. Most of the volunteers for the organization were there, if there is anyone not sure about who and how I am after today...it's their problem. 

One of the women is also originally from Massachusetts. In many ways, we're very much alike. A few years ago, she realized that we had a mutual friend who ran the group. My wife knew her and her husband. I was aware of her but had no real interactions so I knew her only in passing. I saw a reply message on social media from her one night basically saying that I needed to accept her friend request. I did and then all of her direct messages popped up. I don't know how it was that I didn't receive them until after befriending her online... I'm glad I did! She's really a great person. Her husband, too. I met her daughter tonight for the first time. Much like her Mom, good natured and nice.

So... backing up a bit... My wife and I arrive at the event, our friend sees my wife but doesn't recognize me. (Remember, I'm in a dress and I didn't tell anyone what I'd be wearing. They had NO idea.) Then she realizes it's me! She, her daughter and husband are all smiles when I stop at the table where they're sitting. We chatted and had a great time.  Daughter asks about how I achieve my figure, is it a breast plate or "cutlets." Cutlets! With the dress I'd chosen, I needed to be voluptuous and wore my biggest breast forms.  Mom and daughter tell me that I remind them of Lucille Ball. OMG! Now I'll never not see myself in that dress without thinking of Lucy! I really see it as a great honor.

I had a great day!

I'd said to my co-workers earlier this week that the dinner was happening and that I was a bit nervous. I was tempted to run home, change gender and clothes and run back. Co-workers said just go! Yup. That was the best idea. It was fun. Nobody said anything, at all. Who knows what will be said in private and honestly, I don't even care because I enjoyed a great time with my wife and our friends.

Okay, time to go.

I have cats to feed and chores to do.  

Have a great night.

Heather.

Follow up to "outed"

 Hello everyone!

I'm a volunteer. I've been with two organizations for a while. One involves monitoring a remote historic site in the desert with some amazing petroglyphs. One involves cats.

One group will have a dinner for volunteers in the near future. Some of the people have seen Heather either for Halloween, when they visited my office or at charity events held in the past but I've never "come out" to anyone in that realm. 

I'm attending the dinner in a dress and heels. I'm genuinely looking forward to it. It'll be lots of fun and I won't have to race home from work, change my clothes and race back nearly to the location of my office and miss a portion of the event.

If anyone has a problem, NBD. 

No. Big. Deal. 

I'm going to look good, have a great time and FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!

Speaking of "problems,"

Last week, I spent my three days at the office on our front desk, checking in customers.

Apparently one older (mid/late 60's, wearing desert camo) guy was bothered by the "man wearing a dress" at the front. I'm not sure who he was talking about, I was wearing a blouse and jeans. The co-worker who had the pleasure of dealing with him was totally patronizing toward him after he expressed his concerns about my clothes. The irony of this is I had just started a large copying job.  I said "I just started, if you want to go first..." She told me of his opinion, and we agreed that he needed to wait for ALL of my copies to be finished before she would go.

The moral of the story is, "Be careful about speaking ill of others because you may have to wait an additional fifteen minutes to get done."

This is the first time in a few months that I've heard someone have a bad opinion of my existence.

Have a great night

Heather.

ps. Yes, I still have stories to tell from my traveling across the nation.