Another day, another tragedy.

Hello everyone,

It is with much sadness that I'm writing this today.

I'm horrified at the complete lack of respect for human lives shown by ignorant and violent people.  We awaken to hear of another mass shooting at a LGBTQ nightclub.  This time in Colorado Springs on the eve of Transgender Day of Remembrance.  A senseless loss of lives and many injured.  People out having a fun time, trying to relax or get drunk or hook-up or just get away from the hassles of their life, out for a night of entertainment and some M-Fer has to come along and shatter the lives countless people because the victims are living the way they're comfortable.  I was in Colorado on October 1, 2017 when the mass shooting happened in Las Vegas.  I know people who were at that Las Vegas concert. I know people who had family affected by that shooting.  When I was in Colorado, my family was there too, A couple weeks later, there was a chaotic scene in Thornton, Colorado when a wacko started firing in a Walmart.  My family was IN that exact store a couple weeks before.  I know exactly where that happened.  

A sensible person would think that after all the tragedy in Colorado that has experienced over the last 25 years where innocent people lost their lives at the hands of deranged people brandishing firearms, heck sensible people would think that after thousands of innocent Americans have been killed by deranged people with firearms our leaders would somehow take the lead and offer relief from the fear of losing our lives because we were in the wrong place at the right time.  

Apparently risky behaviors:

Eating at McDonalds in San Ysidro, CA.

Watching a Christmas parade last year.

Attending elementary school.

Attending high school in nearly every US state.

Shopping for food to feed their families.

Walking between classes on a college campus.

Soldiers on their Army base.

Watching a Batman film.

Attending concerts.

Sitting on your front porch.

Driving in your cars.

Being an American President watching a play.

Being an American President or Texas Governor riding in a limo.

Being another American President leaving a speaking engagement at the DC Hilton. Yeah, we got the Brady Bill but we still have violence.

Acting. Actresses shouldn't be shot and killed by stalkers. Yes, Rebecca Schaeffer's death in 1989 led to anti-stalking legislation but 33 years later people are stalked and subjected to violence.

I don't understand. 

I.

Just.

Don't.

Understand.  

What can drive a person to feel the need to kill.  Everyone has their demons, I get it.  I struggle with being transgender every day. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and fear of going to work and struggling to find happiness but nothing, and I mean NOTHING would lead me to think that killing another person would be a solution to MY problems.

And yes, there are always mental health issues that cause a person to act. There are substance abuse issues, too.  Maybe our leaders should address their own mental health issues and dependency on blood money to act by representing the ALL THE PEOPLE of the United States of America instead of their GD donors and effin' members of their bloodthirsty, gun loving party.

People say there is no way to completely stop this. I disagree. Look at most every other nation on the globe. The US leads in the number of firearms held in private hands. We also are leaders in the numbers of firearm related deaths based on sheer volume. Australia took action. Canada took action. New Zealand took action. A killer may still be able to kill using other weapons but the number of casualties will be greatly reduced. The nutjob who killed on October 1, 2017 in Las Vegas, leading to the greatest mass killing of innocent private citizens would have not been as lethal if he'd been brandishing a bladed weapon.

And gee, I wonder why I was reluctant to go out in public as Heather?  Will I be targeted? Will I be threatened or subject to violence because someone doesn't like how I look or dress?

Do me a favor, please... Please contact your legislators and ask them to enact sensible laws to protect ALL Americans from senseless gun violence. Ask your legislators to enact sensible laws to protect the civil rights of ALL Americans including protections of the LGBTQ folks who are currently being targeted by many US States. We just want to live our lives without fear of violence.

Thank you.

Heather.

Huge update!

 tl; dr version is I''M OUT AT WORK!

Hello friends.

Here's the deal.  After wearing my lovely dress on October 31, a woman I work with (Ms. G) said in that dress I was "glowing." A couple days later, we were supposed to have a photo taken for our office's holiday greeting card. They wanted it to happen on Friday 11/4 but I would be off for a dental visit. I said why not today, Thursday? A quick response of "No way!" from another woman (Ms. D. We all agree to make it happen on the following Monday.  The woman who said I was glowing told me that we all have to "look pretty" for the photo.

For the entire weekend I'm thinking about "looking pretty" at work. I ask my spouse, "What do I do? Do I follow through on Ms. G's request? She even said to wear the red dress I'd gotten from Dress Barn a few years ago."  Sunday night I pulled the red dress from the closet.

Monday morning comes... I get my routine started about ten minutes earlier than usual but still haven't made a firm decision to dress pretty.  In the shower, I do a quick cleanup and remove stray hairs. Still no decision made.  I then give my face a close shave and move to the bedroom.  Still unsure.  I dig out the nylons and start pulling them up my legs.  I've worn nylons under my work pants a number of times in the past.  On goes the bra and the appropriate breast forms.  I've worn a bra to work daily for at least five years and breast forms in my bra for at least four years. Once I had the nylons on, the decision was more likely. Next a new camisole and then the chunky heeled sandals I'd worn the previous Monday. Over everything goes the red dress and my little "shrug" sweater thingie that I'd worn the other time I'd worn the dress.  Back to the bathroom to add some eyebrow tint and mascara.  Gather my things: purse, insulated bag with granola bars and water and out the door I go!

At 5:50 am, it was a bit chilly but I was not too cold.  I get to the office, walk in alone, go to my desk and Ms. D glances at me and I say, "I did it! Ms. G said to "look pretty. I am."  "Well, okay!" she replies. For the first two hours, co-workers come to the front office where I work and look at me puzzled, I tell the story of "look pretty" for the upcoming photo. 

We've been on overtime for a couple of months, that's why the six am start time.  Our office is open to the public from 8 am to 5 pm. Last week, my job was to be the person to triage our customers, to determine what brought them to the office.  I was the first employee seen by the public. I had some great interactions with people.  Some didn't read me, even.  I think a couple of old guys thought I'd be interested. I'm not! There were some who I"ve seen many times and didn't say anything and there was one who said "that is a new look." I don't remember what my reply was...  I know that there are at least three women in the office who share my political views, out of 22. One of the women saw me and whispered, "You look great!" Ego boost!!!

We take the photo around 3:00 pm.  It was great.  A short time later my direct supervisor, pulls me into the office manager's office and tells me to sit. Usually in an instance like this, a person would have some kind of fear. I didn't!

She goes on to tell me that she's been waiting a long time for this to happen. 

"Huh?" my mind races! She gave me a hard time when my hair got long and she also gave me a hard time when I kept my pink fingernail polish for 3 weeks after our last approved Halloween.

She told me that she's glad for me. She said that our employer has protections for all. She said that if I wish to be addressed differently or use pronouns, she'll stand beside me 100%.  I told her that for the time being, we'll not make any changes.  I also said that new pronouns are still a hard thing for me to use, even when I know a person uses something that is different than it had been.  I thanked her!  We talked about how others in the office might react, I stated that I might worry about a couple of people's reaction but if they give me trouble, I'd pop them in the nose. (Of course I wouldn't and I explicitly told her that if there was any hostility toward me, I'd let her know, if she's not available, there's a whole chain of command that I can rely upon.

At the end of our shift, I told everyone that I didn't know "who" would show up Tuesday. 

Tuesday, I don't ever remember what I wore! I had to go into the bedroom and figure it out!  Red floral skirt and textured V-neck white tee that I'd bought as a back-up for the poodle skirt Halloween outfit.

Wednesday, I'd worn a tan faux suede skirt with a turtleneck.  One female co-worker asked about my choice to change my wardrobe.  I explained that I prefer it and it really makes me happy.  She loved my outfit and said that she was jealous that I look better than her. (I don't, really!) I just hate wearing a belt, truly hate wearing a belt. She said that she was happy for me especially considering where we live.

Thursday, I wore the same pink, purple and red tie-dye skirt and tee shirt that I'd chosen for the Pride parade. 

We were off on Friday to remember the sacrifices of those who served in our military.

Saturday was another workday! Another 8.5 hours of overtime! I chose a black and white patterned cotton dress that I'd never worn. 

So what does this mean? I'm out at work!

We're up to Sunday. Today. Right now. The present. At nine-thirty AM I have an appointment scheduled to get my flu shot, shingles shot and COVID booster at a local pharmacy.  I have to be there in ninety minutes. I'm sitting at my desk in leggings and a long sleeved shirt.  I think I'll probably wear better leggings and a nice top. Don't know. I'm also thinking about wearing the velour skirt and turtleneck. We'll see!

Thanks for visiting!

Heather.

 

I did my thing on Monday. Halloween. Our sacred day.

I went to work. In my dress.  First time in two years that I've been able to dress authentically in the office.

I've never had such a wonderful reception to what I wore to the office.  One co-worker said I was glowing. They were disappointed when I arrived Tuesday morning in a button-down shirt and pants.

My interactions with customers were all positive. One older man had no idea that I wasn't a cis woman. No, he wasn't hitting on me.  I don't remember the full conversation but his name was the same as a famous old time movie actor and I said that I was named after my dad...

My big statement was I hate wearing a belt, one of the other male people in the office agreed.  He's a supervisor, we spoke about whether it is okay with the higher ups and how would wearing a dress work with the office dress codes and my response was that the code allows gender expression.  It was a great day.  I totally rocked the dress.  My only problem was that I am not used to wearing something that has a slit and I was a bit self conscious when the wind started blowing.

I will be talking with my therapist about how this will affect my psyche.

I do think this is a great step.  

Heather

ps. after leaving work on Monday I did the most important thing as an American citizen.  I cast my ballot in the mid-term election.  I went to the polls after leaving the office, still in my dress. The "greeter" at the polls said I looked lovely. The guy who gave me the ballot, didn't think twice about who I was and how I was dressed.  Totally businesslike.