Monday, November 20, 2023

Next chapter

I'm here. There's lots to process since Mom's passing. 

I think the best possibility is to relocate to the family home in Massachusetts. Knowing that Dad's 84, in a fragile mental condition and living alone screams a message of need to me. My Wife and I had been talking for years about moving out of rural Nevada. We both have family in New England. There are possibilities for her to stay with a cousin while I get the family home in better condition and able to house us.

My sister seems okay with the idea of assisted living for Dad but it seems irresponsibly expensive. He's in a place that has been home for more than 50 years. It's like "muscle memory," he knows the quirks of the house. Mom and Dad lived frugally and amassed a reasonable nest egg. One night Dad was on a rant about needing to be in a nursing home or "old folks" home. I asked if he was comfortable spending thousands of dollars each month for such a thing. He was shocked when I gave him the number for living in one of those places. For now, we're still in Nevada and my sister and her husband are 30 minutes away from Dad but I think they're beyond burned out on taking care of old people.

Mom's funeral was a nice gathering for our family.  I got to see friends and family members that I've not seen in 30 years. We'd worried that nobody would show up. We were wrong, very wrong. I think we had about 50 at the funeral and 35 at the dinner.

Aside from my wife, all of my immediate family was there. Dad, Sister, Brother in Law, my three kids and Son's wife and my ex-wife. She and her husband went east back in September and made a point to have dinner with the family. Mom was very happy to have seen them. We had no idea that she'd pass shortly after.  Despite the circumstances, everyone was great. We had a very nice visit, My Son has never been back to Massachusetts since we left and his Wife had never been. They got to see things that blew their minds. A few years ago, my daughters had come with me for my cousin's wedding. We spent time exploring things that they had found online.  Places like Emily Dickinson's house and the Beneski Museum of Natural History, both in Amherst Massachusetts. At my first job, I worked down the street and unknowingly drove by the place lots of times. For this trip, the kids all decided to see the Beneski again. My Daughter in Law wanted to see it. I had other plans for part of the day so I got there about an hour before closing and had time to look at most of the fossils.  After that, we went to Yankee Candle in South Deerfield, we stayed until closing at Yankee and then drove up to the condo we rented before moving west so the kids could see it. This was Tuesday, the day after the funeral. Everyone was scheduled to fly out late Wednesday afternoon which gave us another chance to share lunch with Dad and my Sister and her Husband. The family had to be out of their AirBnB by 10, so Dad and I went to help wrap up the move-out. It was a cold and wet morning. After leaving, the kids wanted to visit a store they'd seen while driving to their Mom's friend. That turned out to be a wild goose chase but it was an adventure when it started snowing... on November first. We had some extra time before our lunch date so we went to see dinosaur tracks along the Connecticut river in Holyoke. Another place that I've been by countless times and had no idea that it existed. My ex and I lived almost directly across the river even. The kids and I went out into the rain and looked at the the many tracks, their Mom and my Dad stayed in the warm car and out of the rain.

There's more.

I'll follow up soon.

thanks for being here for me.


Friday, November 17, 2023

Eleven Seventeen. One month and two days since...

 Yup, I've not posted since August. 

Things. You know.

Just... Things.

85 years, my Mom lived 85 years and two weeks.

I spent three weeks back east.

My birthday morning, I had a text message from a lifelong friend asking if I was aware that an ambulance was dispatched to my family's home. It was the first word I'd had that something was bad. Mom had been having a hard getting rest and not eating well. I contacted my sister who told me that Mom seemed to be doing okay after getting to the hospital. Ultimately we'd later learn that on the morning that Mom was taken to the hospital she'd had a heart attack overnight and an abdominal mass was later discovered. She spoke to the doctors about wanting to live and was prepped for surgery to address the mass. It was bad. Worse than anyone had expected. Wednesday afternoon, Mom and my sister sang a birthday greeting to me. I never expected for that to be the last time I'd hear Mom's voice. She went to surgery Thursday or Friday (it's a blur). I made arrangements to travel, arriving Friday evening. Surgery found that there was a cancerous mass that had attached to and constricted her internal organs. They took what they could but the mass was too aggressive. Mom was on a ventilator and all types of meds to force her heart to beat to maintain blood pressure. She was heavily sedated but was able to give feedback by squeezing our hand or wrinkling her forehead. She had previously expressed that she had no desire to live connected to machines in a vegetative state. She passed peacefully late Sunday night, five days after being taken in the ambulance.

My Dad's short term memory is gone. He has no concept of what happened yesterday or this morning or a few minutes ago. During the three weeks I'd stayed at the house, there were a couple of nights where Dad would knock at my bedroom door and ask where Mom was... There were evenings that I'd have to remind Dad that Mom's gone.. It's heartbreaking. Almost like living in the movie "Fifty first dates" or 'Groundhog Day." Having to relive the experience of telling Dad that his wife of 64 years is gone... Doing this over and over and over. Sometimes, multiple times per day. Still happens, He called a couple nights ago.

And by now you're asking if he's been diagnosed with any medical or brain condition. No,he hasn't. I think Mom and my sister were too proud to be frank with the doctors. I can't say what was discussed with the most recent doctor visit that happened this week. I haven't had a chance to go over it with my sister.

I think I'm going to move across the continent to take care of Dad. My sister has been taking care of both parents, nearly every day for at least five years. She retired last year and hasn't had a chance to have time off. 

There are some good things that have happened from losing Mom. While I was at the house, I told him about my gender identity. I openly dressed in female type clothing around the house and a couple of times when we'd gone out. Really, there is nothing good about losing Mom. Nothing.

I'll add to this story later. This has been a long week. I've been back home for two weeks and it's been non-stop.

Remember to call your loved ones, someday they won't be there and you'll wish they were able to answer your phone call.


Friday, August 25, 2023

Regarding coming out...

I think I've discovered freedom. I don't have to hide. I don't have to feel like a part of me is locked away. I feel that a weight has been lifted from my back. Has that weight been replaced by breast forms on my chest?   I'm happier. I feel better about myself.  Sure, there are times when life irritates me. This is 2023, our world is still filled with people who are intolerant but how we navigate our daily lives is really what defines us and what defines trans people in the eyes of others. Aside from 2/3 of my kids and ex wife, I still have not come out to any of my other family members. Mom probably suspects since she's seen me in person and I always share photos of my exploits at drag queen bingo and Halloween.  Dad won't remember what I told him five minutes ago.  Also, I haven't come out on Facebook.  I'm thinking it may be time to do that on October 11.  It'll be iconic to do so on National Coming Out Day.

I saw a friend Wednesday for the first time in at least a year. Debbie jumped right on the correct pronouns. I was thrilled! It felt good to see someone you've known for years and be accepted. Again, how we're perceived in the eyes of others...  My presentation isn't perfect. I wear the best clothing I can get and afford. I know I need to work on my makeup skills. My hair sometimes looks like I've run a marathon. It's life, what do we do? 

It's still 2023 and only yesterday a person replied to me on Facebook using a derogatory slur often implying a gay male. The offending character's Facebook profile shows how "they kneel for the cross" and also "stand with trump." I'm neither a gay male nor am I, using the British meaning, a bundle of sticks. I'm married and have three kids. Not to imply that gay men have never married women or fathered children but lumping any person into a category just to insult them is simply ignorant.  The brilliant Facebook user also shows his employer in his Facebook profile and whether it helps me or not I messaged that employer with links to the comments made by their employee and screenshots to support the link in case they're pulled by Facebook. Just another day, 2023.

Last week, I had another "first."  I went to a doctor as Heather. Not my primary doctor, it was a first visit to an ENT.  Backstory: a couple years ago I'd started seeing an ENT and had been told to come back after getting my blood pressure under control.  It took a few months to get into my primary doctor, change meds and find the right prescription after discovering a side effect of the first drug. Late last year we got a message from that first ENT that they're retiring and I'd need to find a different doctor. So we waited until my annual visit with my primary doctor and got a referral to this new one. Yay, starting over. So I went to this doctor last week.  I decided that since there's a clean slate, she's going to see the real me.  I check-in, fill out forms, wait and wait some more... They call me to the back, my wife and I go through the door and sit... A few minutes later the doctor comes out and calls my "other" name but doesn't realize that the woman in a pink cap, black skort and well filled tee shirt who had replied is the guy she's calling.  It took her a couple seconds for it to click.  She asked a couple questions about whether I'd had any medical changes done, drugs or hormones and asked if this was real or a gag.  I explained that it's real and I'm happy.   She was cool with my answer and the first visit was perfectly pleasant and welcoming.  Again, starting over.  I have a deviated septum, serious blockage in my nasal cavities (70 & 80% blocked), sleep apnea, probable allergies to cats and dogs, recommended a sleep study and nasal sprays and follow-ups.  Before this, the closest I've been to seeing a doctor as Heather was last November when we went to a specialist for my wife's edema.  I was dressed androgynously: leggings, tee-shirt and smaller breast forms.  

Have a great Friday and an amazing weekend!


Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Another first, another self outing.


On of my closest friends has recently undergone a surgical procedure. I don't exactly know what was repaired but I know that something in the boy parts or rectal region has been bothering him for a number of months. His Mom has been staying with him to help with his recovery. She was supposed to return home tomorrow.but will stay at least another week. While here, she's rented a car and the agreement was to turn it back in today but she's staying another week. I had offered use of my car and yesterday, my friend called asking if I'm still willing to lend my car and he offers his truck for me to use. Of course! I'd do almost anything for this friend. I told him I'd be down tomorrow (which is tonight) after work.  

After talking to him yesterday, I'd started working on a plan. Will I head home to change before driving an hour and a half? Do I bring a change of clothes and change along the way? Do I just go directly after work? I told him I'd call mid-day to confirm when I'll be down. Today comes, I call him on my way home for lunch and let him know that "I'm leaving directly after work and will be wearing exactly what I wear every day to work." I know that he had no clue about what I meant by very specifically saying that.

During lunch, I check the fluid levels and top the wiper fluid. After work, the car takes me to the city without incident, stop at a carwash, stop at Costco to fill the fuel tank and go to his house. Ring the bell, Mom answers and I say what I said when I arrived at my family's house last November, "I look a bit different now." She greets me and ask how everything is, asks after my wife and my parents. It was nice.

I haven't driven a vehicle with a manual transmission in four or five years. I haven't driven a vehicle with a manual transmission in HEELS since 1998 or 1999!  

Everything went well taking his truck home.

Another adventure in the books. Another outing, too.


Saturday, August 19, 2023

Another day in the books.

Hi everyone!

My wife and I used to be responsible for a huge part of the "operation" with the volunteer group. There are many people involved with the group in 2023 and the two of us have taken different roles. In the past, each of us would regularly have direct interaction with the people using our group's services, again lots of volunteers so we're doing other things.

We went to the city yesterday. My wife had a follow-up dental visit and I had prescriptions to be filled and some ready to collect that had been ordered from the wrong pharmacy.  I wore a black skort, black lace bra with my biggest breast forms and a white vee necked tee shirt to take care of all of our business while she was being attended to by the dentist. Everything went well.

Yesterday, there were other events happening for the group and my wife and I were called in to do what we used to do on a weekly basis. After we got home from our visit to the city, we had a couple of hours to kill and then went out.  I changed my shirt so I wouldn't soil it, changing it to my regular pre-stained volunteering shirt. It was a good day. When we got there, the driver was already there and another volunteer too. It really would have been better if the volunteer guy had stayed home, he created more of a hassle than was necessary. Loud. abrasive and much like a bull in the china shop when we needed calm. One lady who received help from our group had been helped in the past and I remembered her from that previous visit and I see her regularly at my "real" job. She addressed me as "Miss." Woo hoo!

I've interacted with so many people in many different ways over the last few days. I'm so much more comfortable in life as Heather than any other way. This has been one of the best life decisions that I've ever made. 

Just another day in the life, I guess.


Thursday, August 17, 2023


I attended our group's thank you event IN A DRESS!

It was as amazing as I'd imagined it would be.

I wore the same dress I'd worn last year on Halloween and when I'd voted in the mid-term elections. Most of the volunteers for the organization were there, if there is anyone not sure about who and how I am after's their problem. 

One of the women is also originally from Massachusetts. In many ways, we're very much alike. A few years ago, she realized that we had a mutual friend who ran the group. My wife knew her and her husband. I was aware of her but had no real interactions so I knew her only in passing. I saw a reply message on social media from her one night basically saying that I needed to accept her friend request. I did and then all of her direct messages popped up. I don't know how it was that I didn't receive them until after befriending her online... I'm glad I did! She's really a great person. Her husband, too. I met her daughter tonight for the first time. Much like her Mom, good natured and nice.

So... backing up a bit... My wife and I arrive at the event, our friend sees my wife but doesn't recognize me. (Remember, I'm in a dress and I didn't tell anyone what I'd be wearing. They had NO idea.) Then she realizes it's me! She, her daughter and husband are all smiles when I stop at the table where they're sitting. We chatted and had a great time.  Daughter asks about how I achieve my figure, is it a breast plate or "cutlets." Cutlets! With the dress I'd chosen, I needed to be voluptuous and wore my biggest breast forms.  Mom and daughter tell me that I remind them of Lucille Ball. OMG! Now I'll never not see myself in that dress without thinking of Lucy! I really see it as a great honor.

I had a great day!

I'd said to my co-workers earlier this week that the dinner was happening and that I was a bit nervous. I was tempted to run home, change gender and clothes and run back. Co-workers said just go! Yup. That was the best idea. It was fun. Nobody said anything, at all. Who knows what will be said in private and honestly, I don't even care because I enjoyed a great time with my wife and our friends.

Okay, time to go.

I have cats to feed and chores to do.  

Have a great night.


Wednesday, August 16, 2023

Follow up to "outed"

 Hello everyone!

I'm a volunteer. I've been with two organizations for a while. One involves monitoring a remote historic site in the desert with some amazing petroglyphs. One involves cats.

One group will have a dinner for volunteers in the near future. Some of the people have seen Heather either for Halloween, when they visited my office or at charity events held in the past but I've never "come out" to anyone in that realm. 

I'm attending the dinner in a dress and heels. I'm genuinely looking forward to it. It'll be lots of fun and I won't have to race home from work, change my clothes and race back nearly to the location of my office and miss a portion of the event.

If anyone has a problem, NBD. 

No. Big. Deal. 

I'm going to look good, have a great time and FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!

Speaking of "problems,"

Last week, I spent my three days at the office on our front desk, checking in customers.

Apparently one older (mid/late 60's, wearing desert camo) guy was bothered by the "man wearing a dress" at the front. I'm not sure who he was talking about, I was wearing a blouse and jeans. The co-worker who had the pleasure of dealing with him was totally patronizing toward him after he expressed his concerns about my clothes. The irony of this is I had just started a large copying job.  I said "I just started, if you want to go first..." She told me of his opinion, and we agreed that he needed to wait for ALL of my copies to be finished before she would go.

The moral of the story is, "Be careful about speaking ill of others because you may have to wait an additional fifteen minutes to get done."

This is the first time in a few months that I've heard someone have a bad opinion of my existence.

Have a great night


ps. Yes, I still have stories to tell from my traveling across the nation.

Friday, August 11, 2023

Home again. Another trip has come and gone.

 Hello everyone.

I'm back in the desert after a week in very green New England. My trip was nice but certainly not restful. According to the car rental company, I drove over a thousand miles in the course of my time there. I know that I was in five states, CT, MA, VT, NH and NY. And yes, again Heather flew out and back home but she didn't present herself to the family on this trip. 

I arrived Tuesday evening, ate dinner with my parents, chatted for a while and then went to bed.

Wednesday, I got Mom up for her trip to dialysis. AT FIVE FIFTEEN! She overslept, it was supposed to be 4:45 when shegot up. She usually leaves the house at 11:00 am but she was able to go in at 6:00 so we'd be able to go on an overnight trip with Mom, Dad and my sister. I bring Mom to her appointment, grab a hot cup of coffee and a Boston Creme at Dunkin, head home, get my stuff ready for our overnight trip, shower and get ready, let my sister know that everything is still on track for her to come over, wake Dad and get him ready, head out with Dad and Sister to collect Mom and strike out on our adventure.

We drive to northern New Hampshire where Mom spent time as a kid. Our plan was to dawdle long enough to not have to wait at the hotel for check-in so we stopped for some groceries to have something to snack on. We grabbed crazy snacks, salads and a sandwich as if we were a bunch of kids, each with $20 in a candy store. Off we to toward the hotel to check-in. All good!

Mom had told my sister that she'd always wanted to see the big, fancy hotels in that area such as the Mountain View Grand Resort and Spa and the Mount Washington Hotel.  My sister gets the directions plugged into the GPS and we head to the Mountain View... I drop Mom, Dad and Sister at the front entrance, walk from the back 40 after parking the car and learn that Mom's not interested in seeing the interior of the hotel, "we're not staying here, we have no business being here."  My sister goes up the stairs to the porch and snaps a couple of photos and comes back down to where we are standing.  Mom's adamant about not going inside. I take the long hike back to the car, drive up to the valet drive and collect everyone.  We drive around the area where Mom grew up with the goal of her seeing the former farm. Again, she's very specific about what she's comfortable and willing to do: "Don't go beyond this point, your uncles came here 30 years ago and the guy who owns it ran them off the property with a shotgun." I pull into the driveway going exactly as far as she wanted. Mom sees the property and new (30+ years ago built) house and says lets get out of here quickly.  I put the rental in reverse, squeezing the SUV down the narrow driveway and glance up to see a guy chasing us on an ATV. My sister asks me to stop and she gets out. Mom's taking about how she's concerned. I ask Mom to be quiet so I can hear the conversation happening in front of the car.  I overhear the man say, "I insist!" My sister gets in and says to Mom, "he wants you to see the place." What starts out being a stressful event turns AMAZING! Mom proceeds to tell him and his wife about the family stories, some they'd heard and some they hadn't.  We were visiting much longer than we'd expected and when we left, things in Northern New Hampshire were closing. We're trying to find a place for real food to complement our room snacks. We try one place, go in, stand at the counter to order but nobody ever came to take the order.  After a few minutes, we left and returned to our hotel.  My sister and I brought Mom and Dad to their room then the two of us went to our hotel's restaurant to get a takeout meal for our parents and a sit-down meal for us. We chat and eat and realize that the place is closing so we go back to our parent's room to make plans for Thursday and then off to our own rooms to sleep.   

Thursday morning, we all go to the hotel's buffet breakfast. After eating, we get ourselves ready to go exploring, pack up and head out.  We drive through the White Mountains National Forest, stopping a few times to see different sights. At one scenic area, we must have explored for two hours. (My sister didn't want me to spend for the parking pass, I did anyway!) Our next stop was the Mount Washington Hotel. Again, Mom refused to get out of the car to see the place.  My sister said that she's going to check the place out and I agreed. We walk over to the hotel, into the sitting area and marvel at the grandeur. Off to the spa and indoor pool area, gift shop, "cave" nightclub, rear porch, Adirondack chairs on the rear lawn, texting photo after photo to Mom telling her what she's missing with one having the message, "The nice lady said to come in and look around.". After about an hour, we head back to the car where Mom is just getting out to stretch her legs. I tell my sister that Mom's ready to go in and Mom agreed!!! So we get Dad out of the car and the four of us walk up to the hotel and explore the same areas and show Mom and Dad the amazing place.  Everyone had a great trip! Mom got to do some things that she'd only been able to dream about for many years. 

It's eleven PM, I have had a long week and I have an early morning planned.

I'll finish my blabbing in the near future.

Tomorrow night, go look at the sky! The Perseids are supposed to be amazing this year.

Have an amazing weekend!


Sunday, July 30, 2023

Sunday 4:44 pm

 Here I am, blogging instead of getting my things ready for my trip. In my defense, I've been doing some of the house chores that have needed doing for a while.  I've also brought in a third suitcase in case I choose to not load the larger one I usually bring.

I've been thinking about whether to arrive at the family homestead as Heather, again. It might just be worth it.  I've got such a nice dress planned for my trip that it'll be a real shame to have to change out of it in the car. Life is too short.

I'm really looking forward to this trip but as my parents get older, I fear that the inevitable will happen before I arrange another trip.  Mom's health isn't great and Dad's not all there mentally. 84 is a long life and they've had some great experiences. This trip will hopefully fulfill some of Mom's wishes before she leaves us. She wants to see where her family was laid to rest in New Hampshire.  My Dad's been reluctant to leave the house for any lenghty trip for a while, I suspect it's because he's familiar with the surroundings and being away from familiarity will be hard to deal with. We're planning an overnight trip, too.

I'm starting to think about telling Mom about me. 

It's going to be an adventure. We'll see how this goes. 

I'll share some details when I return.


Another trip.

 Hello friends!

I'll be flying out early Tuesday morning. This year, a group of my high school classmates will be meeting to reminisce about what we did in the olden days and catch up since we last met.  We were supposed to meet up five years ago but we couldn't muster a large enough group to justify the expense of renting a venue for a handful of people. When I graduated, our class had about 120 people and at the time it was the largest ever.  The town has grown since then. New schools were built. It's much different.

Is Heather attending? I don't think she will but she may be revealed to the group.

At this point, I'm pretty sure Heather will be flying.  It was a great experience last time and since this will be summer travel, I'll be able to enjoy wearing a dress.  While there, I'll be spending the week with my 84 year old parents. I don't think Heather will make an appearance at the house.  Mom didn't seem too pleased last time although she was very sick when I arrived and had the pleasure of bringing her to the ER the next morning.  I never saw Mom after dropping her off at the ER. I wasn't even allowed to say goodbye.

We'll be visiting the town where Mom grew up in northern New Hampshire with my sister. I haven't ever spoken about Heather with my sister.  I'm not sure how that conversation would even turn out. I think it's a bit of a "let sleeping dogs lie" situation. Does the benefit outweigh the risk? Considering the handful that our parents are, I don't know if it's a good idea to unleash another pseudo socio issue on her or me... 

I did one of my least favorite personal chores last week.  A few months ago, I went to a "salon" and got my hair cut and had my eyebrows waxed. It was totally worth it but $100 after tip was a bit of a luxury. Last Saturday I went back to Great Clips for my regular cut in boy mode. I like Great Clips because I'm a bit anonymous there. I don't think I've ever had the same person cut my hair twice. Plus I rarely go to the same shop twice in a row. But the real reason to speak about getting that haircut... was... that... the person cutting my hair was non-binary! I was so pleased to see a person wearing a skirt in the shop and they called ME!.  I fully regretted being in boy mode!  After they were finished, I took the step and revealed myself to them, saying that "I don't usually look like this. pulled out my phone and showed my wallpaper photo of me in a skirt. THIS is what I look like at work." Honestly, I don't think they were all that impressed about me outing myself but it made me feel great.

Have a great week!


Monday, June 19, 2023

An outing? Real and maybe travel plans, too.

 Juneteenth. Very important and historic.

I'm glad to know that it is recognized as a Federal Holiday and many states including Nevada are including it as a State Holiday.

We've come far but there is much to be done.

Outing. Well, sheeeew. There are still people who I haven't introduced to Heather. 2/3 of my kids are fully aware of me, my ex and her new husband too.  Years ago, I threatened my parents to bring Heather and I did last November.  Dad seemed to be okay with it but Mom was clearly not.  

I have friends who have seen me dressed for Halloween and/or "special" events but never for any other occasion.  I had one friend we'll call Ms. D who come into my office twice when I was dressed. First time was a Halloween at work day and the second time we were busy and I don't think she really SAW me.

Friday of last week, I was in the office and I hear a customer ask where I was. I have stopped wearing my glasses so looking at a person 20 feet away doesn't really give me a good idea of who is asking after me.  I walk over and after talking for a couple minutes, realize with whom I'm talking. We'll call her Ms. C. A mutual acquaintance of the person in the above paragraph. I'm thinking, well Ms. D has been put off by Ms. C's antics and was likely out of the socio/professional circle.  Saturday comes and I go to the group where I volunteer and toward the end of the check in period comes in Ms. C. Oh boy. I'm in boy mode. The only person in our volunteer group with whom I'm out is our pro (Ms. S) and is an ally and I'm completely comfortable with her so I am out to Ms S. for a couple months.  I do most of the initial check-in paperwork, which I'd never done before. And go to the second process which leaves Ms C. with Ms. D.  I'm around the corner, doing my thing and I hear Ms. C telling the story of seeing me Friday. Ugh.

To myself I say aloud, "my secret is out."

As volunteers, we all have tasks that we're most comfortable doing. Some do prep work, some move things from room to room. Some check in or check out. As we're all working, someone says "that Ms. C is something!" I tell stories about my previous experiences with her. She's a trip, all right!

Through the course of the day, this is what I hear about Friday: Nothing. Nothing at all. At some point, I'm working alone with Ms S. and I mention the whole "outing me" to Ms. D. I realize that I'm going to have to come out to everyone some day and I almost think it's really no big deal but I also want it to be on my terms and only on my terms.

Have a good week,



Ms. S was talking about a recent trip she'd taken with some friends to the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah.  She also said that she would like to go back soon.  I mentioned that it would be a fun trip especially if I went as Heather. The towns of Colorado City, Arizona and Hilldale, Utah are nearby.  These towns are where many members of the radical FLDS sect led by Warren Jeffs live.  I'm working at convincing my spouse to go along. I think it's going to be fun.

One more thing...I'm flying to New England for a week in August.  I'm pretty sure Heather will be going along and nearly positive she'll be flying again.

Saturday, June 3, 2023

Outrage! Boy-howdy what a rambling tale!

 Hi everyone!

June 3, 2023. 

We lived through the outrage of certain books in our public libraries and the libraries of our schools.

We've lived through the outrage of Drag Queens.

We've lived through the outrage of Bud Light.

We've lived through the outrage of Target.

Welcome to PRIDE month 2023!

I'm out at work. Openly presenting as a female every day. My coworkers still call me my other name. (My choice, not theirs.  My statement to everyone was, "you've known me as that name for eight years AND I have only told two people that I go by Heather.)  I'm referred to as "ma'am" by most of our customers. Some customers are terrific, some... not so much.

Some days, my presentation is perfect and I feel amazing. Other days, I look and feel a bit bedraggled.  Such is life.

Back to the "out at work" part.  I "cut the cable" a couple of years ago. I no longer have access to the 24 hour news cycle provided by cable/satellite TV. $80 + per month and we rarely watched anything.  Spent a few bucks on an antenna and new wires.  Of course I still have the internet and that TV antenna on the roof of the house for broadcast television.  At first I watched TV every day, I had certain shows that I'd put on when I woke up and just needed something (Barnaby Jones on ME TV) if I didn't return to sleeping on the recliner.  I don't watch the local news, I stopped watching the local news a few years ago, before the Presidential Primaries, the local stations started sounding like Cable News with their canned statements, Corporate Opinions presented as "news" and clear bias against the best interests of the American citizens. At work I hear ALL about the manufactured crisis regarding the never ending flood of immigrants and most recently the crisis presented by the LGBTQ community and our effect on America's children.  "How Target IS selling bathing suits for trans kids, right at the front of the stores, even." "Kohls had to put PRIDE items in the front of the stores, Now I can't shop there!" "So many kids getting disfiguring surgery!" And this gem, "Just keep the kids out of it."  (The person who said this is 1/2 Native American AND Christian? Does she know the part religion played in the decimation of her ancestors? OR the massive problem with pedophilia in the Catholic Church.) Maybe Kohl's has PRIDE stuff on display out front but... Christmas stuff including Nativity Sets are displayed BEFORE Labor Day! Where is the outrage about that? I never hear Muslim people, Jewish folks, Buddhists, Native Americans, Agnostics or anyone else whining about the religious overload clogging our retail spaces for FOUR SOLID MONTHS!

I'm not anti-religion.  It's like the adage that I modified slightly, "Religion is like a penis. It's okay to have one but to force everyone to abide by it isn't right." Our nation and it's system of laws was built on a distinct separation of State and church. The First Amendment makes it clear:

"Amendment 1

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion..."

If any of these people used their common sense, did their own research and opened their eyes they would realize that none of that above info I wrote about swimsuits, kid's getting surgery, etc are accurate. They're just being fed lies from their Cable TV Overlords to incite hatred toward people like me. I've been told that they're happy I finally came out? (Y'all say that crap within earshot of me and you're happy that I'm out?) They waited so long for me to do come out? (Do you know what life is like in small town America?) It's borderline hostile to overhear some of the things said in the office. Just gotta vent for a bit. I probably won't say anything to the big bossy bosses even if I might have a reasonably strong case. If I lived where I used to live, I'd have greater options to change my office location and wanted transfer options.  This town is pretty much a one-horse town.  I make decent money, don't have too many stresses at work, have a decent home.  To quote my Mom, I'm not going to make too many waves unless it genuinely becomes an issue. I have to consider the risks and benefits to opening my mouth.

There are only a few TV shows I watch on live TV and have missed them when first aired so I usually stream the three animated shows on Fox Sunday nights; The Simpsons, Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.

Sometimes, Homer and Peter are clearly past their "best by date" but those shows are usually relatively entertaining. Bob, Linda, Tina, Gene and Louise plus the supporting characters of Bob's Burgers are involved in great storylines.  It's refreshing to see inclusivity, acceptance, love, trust, success AND failure on TV.  It's a thoughtful program. It makes me happy. It makes me sad. I love seeing what scrapes the family is getting into.  

The separation of State and church also applies to other issues too. I don't think any group should be imposing extreme ideologies on the entirety of a population. People are arguing that the LGBTQ community is trying to do it. The LGBTQ community isn't trying to make everyone become L or G or B or T or Q or I but we'd really like everyone to be Inclusive and an Ally! We're not forcing anyone to do anything but we are asking for them to accept us as equals. Give us the respect that their "lord and saviour, Jesus Christ" preached about.  The religious faction is trying to impose their beliefs and faith on our laws/society/citizens: Controlling healthcare for women, restricting abortion access, banning trans kids from living authentically. (Their argument is: "They're too young to know for themselves." I know what I felt when I was twelve. I know how I felt when I was 22.  I know what I felt when I was 30, 35 and 37 and felt like a huge part of my identity was shoved into a tightly capped bottle.  She only was able to exist after the family went to bed or at the two adults only Halloween events I'd attended. The few times I'd gone out were great but things change and opportunities no longer occured FOR MORE THAN TWENTY YEARS.  I felt shame for wanting to live authentically. I didn't want anyone to know because I'd feared that I'd be labelled a freak.  When I did come out to my wife, it was rough for her. I didn't know how hard she had taken it, she didn't share her concerns until recently.  She's come to be very okay with me being Heather and all that she encompasses.

Heather says to go have a great PRIDE month.

Much love to all..

Be happy, be yourself.

Saturday, March 18, 2023

March 2023. about five months "out" at work.

Among the things I've learned since I've come out: 

  • I don't get upset by innocent misgendering of me by others.
  • Hearing someone say "yes, ma'am" to me makes my day.
  • Simple compliments about little things make me feel amazing.
  • It feels a bit weird to have old men flirt with me.
  • If I dress in obvious female clothes. it feels better and people are more likely to "get it right."
It was the right decision for me.  I am much happier in my life than I was six months ago. I feel like a huge burden has been removed from me and I cannot imagine returing to a life where I'm having to pretend to be happy living as a male.  I won't deny that I still feel nervous in certain situations. I think my personal anxiety still has to be controlled before I'm completely at ease in public. There was a guy in the office today that made me feel a bit uneasy.  I'm sure that I was just being judgmental because I didn't know the person but his manneerisms were stand-offish and I try to control where when I'm in public places.  I haven't been out socially with friends since my outing aside from dinner with my wife and or kids.  In early April, I have a plan to go out to a huge charity event and I'll have to be beyond "over the top" with my look.

Have a great week


Wednesday, January 25, 2023

Nearly three months into my "out" experience. The tales of living in a conservative town.

Hi friends!

Here I am, still alive and kickin' and doing my thing. I've worn skirts or dresses nearly every day since the second Monday in November. I think there have been three or four days where I was "shamed" into wearing my jeans to work.  I am using the quotes on shamed because the women at work really get joy from wearing jeans and felt I should partake with them.  I made sure on those days to wear as feminine a top as possible.  

So, here are some of my observations and things that have been said to me or about me.

After doing this for so many days, one of my direct co-workers said that she'd not know how to process it if I wore male clothes to work! That was said today. She's the one who inspired me to dress.

One of the workers who occasionally travels from the city to our office to meet with our customers told me I looked great when she saw me for the first time since last year.

We had a lead social worker come to our office to introduce his replacement. I don't know how he felt about my changes.  The new guy was okay.  I think our retiree was instrumental in the departure of another social worker (pressured her and made her feel unwelcome) which was a bummer. She was a pretty awesome person. Unfortunately, she was a bit of a square peg in our office filled with round spaces. She and I got along really well.

A woman who does community outreach recently came in and saw me for the first time in a couple months.  She was supportive and asked a bunch of questions about how and when.  

I've heard from co-workers that some of the customers have badmouthed me because of my appearance. Frankly, I'm not worried or even bothered by their opinion. If they're so cowardly that they cannot say something to my face, so be it. Their loss.  

I've had people say sir to me and ma'am to me. Hearing someone say, "Hope you ladies have a great day about me and my co-workers makes me feel amazing.

I had a older guy who I've helped many times in the past come in and he told me that he's proud of me.  I was a bit shocked, he's kinda religious... It was a pretty good interaction.

I've had many compliments on my nails, my earrings and a few for my hair?!? One guy yesterday complimented me on my new hair color! I truly don't think it was a back handed compliment.

I've decided to not be offended by innocent misgendering. Sometimes it's totally innocent. One lady said "sir" to me and immediately apologized. I replied, "Life is too short to worry about something trivial and apology accepted.  A couple days later she came back in and was totally cool, said she was glad to see us at the window because she felt good when she left the office the last time.

I've made trips to the city in without worrying about carrying a spare outfit.  I've also had times where I'd worn male clothes to the city because I had plans with someone who isn't aware of the existence of me as Heather. I'm at ease with both halves of my existence.  I'm comfortable as Deadname or Heather but I cannot imagine going to work dressed in male clothes again.

If you're on the fence about making something happen, do it! Don't live in regret. Don't get to a point that you wonder "what if I had just done it!

Years ago I had told my wife that I don't want to get old and have a number of things that I'd always wanted to do but was too scared to do it.

Please, just do your thing!