Among the things I've learned since I've come out:
Have a great week
Heather
Hi friends!
Here I am, still alive and kickin' and doing my thing. I've worn skirts or dresses nearly every day since the second Monday in November. I think there have been three or four days where I was "shamed" into wearing my jeans to work. I am using the quotes on shamed because the women at work really get joy from wearing jeans and felt I should partake with them. I made sure on those days to wear as feminine a top as possible.
So, here are some of my observations and things that have been said to me or about me.
After doing this for so many days, one of my direct co-workers said that she'd not know how to process it if I wore male clothes to work! That was said today. She's the one who inspired me to dress.
One of the workers who occasionally travels from the city to our office to meet with our customers told me I looked great when she saw me for the first time since last year.
We had a lead social worker come to our office to introduce his replacement. I don't know how he felt about my changes. The new guy was okay. I think our retiree was instrumental in the departure of another social worker (pressured her and made her feel unwelcome) which was a bummer. She was a pretty awesome person. Unfortunately, she was a bit of a square peg in our office filled with round spaces. She and I got along really well.
A woman who does community outreach recently came in and saw me for the first time in a couple months. She was supportive and asked a bunch of questions about how and when.
I've heard from co-workers that some of the customers have badmouthed me because of my appearance. Frankly, I'm not worried or even bothered by their opinion. If they're so cowardly that they cannot say something to my face, so be it. Their loss.
I've had people say sir to me and ma'am to me. Hearing someone say, "Hope you ladies have a great day about me and my co-workers makes me feel amazing.
I had a older guy who I've helped many times in the past come in and he told me that he's proud of me. I was a bit shocked, he's kinda religious... It was a pretty good interaction.
I've had many compliments on my nails, my earrings and a few for my hair?!? One guy yesterday complimented me on my new hair color! I truly don't think it was a back handed compliment.
I've decided to not be offended by innocent misgendering. Sometimes it's totally innocent. One lady said "sir" to me and immediately apologized. I replied, "Life is too short to worry about something trivial and apology accepted. A couple days later she came back in and was totally cool, said she was glad to see us at the window because she felt good when she left the office the last time.
I've made trips to the city in without worrying about carrying a spare outfit. I've also had times where I'd worn male clothes to the city because I had plans with someone who isn't aware of the existence of me as Heather. I'm at ease with both halves of my existence. I'm comfortable as Deadname or Heather but I cannot imagine going to work dressed in male clothes again.
If you're on the fence about making something happen, do it! Don't live in regret. Don't get to a point that you wonder "what if I had just done something...do it!
Years ago I had told my wife that I don't want to get old and have a number of things that I'd always wanted to do but was too scared to do it.
Please, just do your thing!
On Thanksgiving Day, I flew east to see my parents. Hoping to have some time to bring Mom out and give her some time out of the house. The plan was set, airfare purchased, car rented... Go!
I get there and things aren't great health-wise for the family. More on that later.
I've said before that I had hoped to fly en femme on my next trip. I did it!
I chose a faux suede skirt, a matching turtleneck, knee highs and my Clark's shoes that I've been wearing to work daily.
Here's a rundown of my experience:
I think I had anxiety while packing for this trip. Packing and choosing what to put in which bag was too emotional for me. My spouse suggested that it may be a result of knowing that I'd be doing something that is causing stress. In the end, I didn't really wear all of the clothing I'd packed.
Getting ready Thursday morning, no big deal. Smooth and stress free. Took a couple tries to get the suitcases finished but far less drama than before. Got dressed and loaded the car without incident.
At the airport, unloaded suitcases and went to check-in kiosk and only issue was not getting the "checked bag" tag printed, had an interaction with the curbside agent who printed my checked bag tag and took the case.
I proceed to the security checkpoint. They x-ray my carry-on items and ask about my new pill dispenser. It was funny, they asked what the round thing was and I was clueless. I'd never used it and totally spaced what it was. The TSA rep didn't press the issue and said to head to my gate. I basically breezed through security at Harry Reid Las Vegas airport.
I wasn't sure how my wig would fare while flying. I worried that it would move/shift/twist inflight. It didn't do any of those things!
I think I slept most of the way to Nashville, waking about 45 minutes before we landed. I didn't have the window shade raised and had no idea that we were about to touch down. Bam!!! We landed hard. It totally startled me.
I had about 90 minutes to wait for my next flight. It was late morning there, I'd never been to the airport there. The place had the aroma of a smokehouse. I didn't get barbecue for a number of reasons, mostly I didn't want to be messy. I got a Caesar chicken and spinach wrap where usually I get some kind of generic fast food.
I board the next plane and fly to Bradley Airport. Basically uneventful, I'm awake for the entire flight. Collect my checked bag and proceed to the wrong rental car counter which has no line, I take the elevator down one floor to the Budget counter finding that I'm about twelfth in line. However much later, I finally get to the front and get checked in. Go to the doorway, a porter comes over and offers assistance, he brings my minivan to the door for me. He loads my bags into the van and I graciously offer a tip.
The van reminds me why I think there needs to be more standardization in the operational controls of vehicles. Headlight switches, windshield wipers, horn buttons, emergency brake operation.
Driving to my childhood home I'm chatting with my spouse about whether I am going to change my clothes before arriving. I decided not to. I make a phone call to Mom, letting her know I'm about 10 minutes away, she puts a pizza into the oven. I get to the house. Lights come on inside and outside the house. I'm gathering my stuff in the front seat and trying to open the driver's door and for some reason am unable to do so. My Dad comes outside (he's 83 and it's raining lightly). I finally open the window and open the door using the outside handle. I step out in my skirt and turtleneck and say "hello, I look a bit different." Dad asks if he can carry anything. I only grab my carry-on items leaving the larger suitcase in the van and proceed into the house. Mom sees me and I say the same thing, "I look a bit different." I don't think she was really okay with it. They asked what was behind my dressing in woman's clothing, I said that I'd wanted to try it after successfully doing Halloween so many times. I told the story of breezing through security and not having to wear a belt (I hate wearing a belt on a plane!) and that's the end of the conversation until after we ate. After arriving, I didn't change from my traveling clothes. At some point, Mom looks and says "oh, your ears are pierced too? I replied, "Yup, and I'm just as sensitive as you are to non-pure metals." Mom has to wear Sterling silver or really good grade gold because her skin reacts to the nickel in lower grade jewelry and mine does too.
Mom's not been well, she went to bed early. Dad and I are sitting around the table, he says to me that my look is "very becoming." I think Dad approves.
Friday morning, we get up. Dad's up first. Mom's miserable. A couple hours later, Mom asks me to bring her to the ER. Oh boy, this isn't what I'd envisioned for my vacation. I load everyone into the van and bring Mom to the ER, grab a wheelchair, roll her to the admission desk. (She's home now and recovering). That's the last time I saw her. The ER parking lot is non-existent. There is no place to park to unload two elderly people, check one of them in and keep the other under control. I park the van in the general parking area and walk back, I'm told that only one person can remain in the waiting area. I'm not kicking my Dad outside so I go to the cold, covered patio area and ask to be notified if they take Mom anywhere. I text my sister, she tells me that Mom's just been tested as COVID positive. I go back to the admission desk, ask to have my info registered with Mom so that I'm the person to be contacted for any and all communication since my sister went out of town. (In my ten days, I never heard from the hospital.) I collect Dad, we walk back to the van and drive home. My sister texts me and tells me that she went to CVS and bought COVID tests. She also tested positive but her husband tested negative and now I'm concerned. We have two test kits in the house. I also go to CVS and buy 5 more tests. I test Dad and myself. Dad is also positive but luckily I'm negative. Fortunately, everyone who tested positive had minimal symptoms from COVID. Mom's hospitalization was more related to some intestinal mass and ongoing kidney failure. Mom returned home on Wednesday. She's doing much better.
While at CVS, the clerk compliments me about my silver nails. I believe the clerk would identify as non-binary. I tell them how I had achieved my look... Three layers, Revlon 215, silver and then a clear with glitter. It almost looked 3D and textured.
Sister and her husband eventually come back to town. We had some business to attend to and they had planned on doing yardwork at the parent's house: leaves, cleaning the gutters, removing downed limbs from the trees, etc. We do that on Thursday. Brother in law is concerned because he's recently been diagnosed with something that can compromise his health so he stays outside when my sister and I are inside.
The only recreational thing I did when I was there was drive Dad around so he could be out of the house. We didn't go far. Dad doesn't remember well, I think there are factors involved with this which haven't been diagnosed. He's also not real good at cleanliness. That I managed to stay healthy was a miracle. I told him repeatedly about his positive COVID tests but he forgets things within a few minutes. While I was there, Dad commented positively about my silver painted nails. While I was in the house, I wore a pair of black leggings, clingy shirt over my bra and fairly large breast forms. Dad never commented on my breast size varying from arrival to departure. I retested myself and Dad through the course of the week, I remained negative. Dad's positive results took longer to show on the test kit. He remained positive until the Tuesday after I'd left. Sister also tested negative at that time.
Saturday was my return flight. I gather my stuff and pack up. I didn't choose to wear the skirt but I did wear the turtleneck and large breastforms when I left the house. I found an empty parking lot to change into the skirt, gassed up the van and drove back to the rental agency. Went to check my bag and proceeded to the security checkpoint where ID check person was having a bad day. He was admonishing everyone that they "only need their ID, nothing else." I get to the scanner and the tech asks how I "want to be scanned." I replied, "huh? What do you mean? He just replies get on the footprints and spread my legs more..." Once again, my carry-on needed scrutiny. The item set aside for inspection ahead of mine was a box filled with many smaller boxes. It took forever foir the agent to get through the many boxes. Te reason this time was I'd left a pair of fake boobs and the pill case in my carry-on. I told the agent as he opened the case, if it's the round thing it's a pill dispenser and there might be some fake boobs, too. All good, he opened the case, confirmed what I'd said and told me to have a good day. I told him I was plenty early and thanked him for doing his job..
Time to wait for my flight, I decided to eat. McDonalds provided a Filet O Fish Combo for the small sum of $13. Ouch!! The food was okay but not worth $13 in my opinion. Off to the gate to wait... No drama, no hassle, no nothin' to speak of. The flight to Denver was mostly full but somehow I had the luxury of not having a person in the middle seat. This also happened on the flight from Denver to Las Vegas. I napped a bit on both legs of the trip. The rest of the trip was nothing to speak of, arriving at about 11:30 p,m. I collect my stuff and head out to meet my wife in our car.
I guess the bottom line is that for the most part, nobody will really pay attention to you if you're just doing your thing. All my interactions were okay. I felt great with my choice, having a skirt instead of pants was a good decision. TSA in Vegas probably sees "everything" so ol' Heather won't even be al blip on the radar. TSA in Windsor Locks doesn't have the traffic/population/diversity/anything goes attitude that Vegas has. I remember a departing flight from Bradley, maybe three years ago, the TSA poked my breast to see if I was smugging something. I was wearing a tee shirt over a sports bra and cotton breast pads. I almost felt violated by that. I understand that they're doing their job...
If you're thinking about doing something, do it. You aren't getting any younger. You'll be fine. I am. I'm happy. Since "coming out" at work, I haven't worn pants to the office. I haven't had a negative or derogatory comment made to my face. My coworkers have been much more supportive than I could have ever expected considering how politically opposite they are to me.
Ok, that's all there is for now. This meandering post has taken far too many days to complete.
Heather.
Hello everyone,
It is with much sadness that I'm writing this today.
I'm horrified at the complete lack of respect for human lives shown by ignorant and violent people. We awaken to hear of another mass shooting at a LGBTQ nightclub. This time in Colorado Springs on the eve of Transgender Day of Remembrance. A senseless loss of lives and many injured. People out having a fun time, trying to relax or get drunk or hook-up or just get away from the hassles of their life, out for a night of entertainment and some M-Fer has to come along and shatter the lives countless people because the victims are living the way they're comfortable. I was in Colorado on October 1, 2017 when the mass shooting happened in Las Vegas. I know people who were at that Las Vegas concert. I know people who had family affected by that shooting. When I was in Colorado, my family was there too, A couple weeks later, there was a chaotic scene in Thornton, Colorado when a wacko started firing in a Walmart. My family was IN that exact store a couple weeks before. I know exactly where that happened.
A sensible person would think that after all the tragedy in Colorado that has experienced over the last 25 years where innocent people lost their lives at the hands of deranged people brandishing firearms, heck sensible people would think that after thousands of innocent Americans have been killed by deranged people with firearms our leaders would somehow take the lead and offer relief from the fear of losing our lives because we were in the wrong place at the right time.
Apparently risky behaviors:
Eating at McDonalds in San Ysidro, CA.
Watching a Christmas parade last year.
Attending elementary school.
Attending high school in nearly every US state.
Shopping for food to feed their families.
Walking between classes on a college campus.
Soldiers on their Army base.
Watching a Batman film.
Attending concerts.
Sitting on your front porch.
Driving in your cars.
Being an American President watching a play.
Being an American President or Texas Governor riding in a limo.
Being another American President leaving a speaking engagement at the DC Hilton. Yeah, we got the Brady Bill but we still have violence.
Acting. Actresses shouldn't be shot and killed by stalkers. Yes, Rebecca Schaeffer's death in 1989 led to anti-stalking legislation but 33 years later people are stalked and subjected to violence.
I don't understand.
I.
Just.
Don't.
Understand.
What can drive a person to feel the need to kill. Everyone has their demons, I get it. I struggle with being transgender every day. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and fear of going to work and struggling to find happiness but nothing, and I mean NOTHING would lead me to think that killing another person would be a solution to MY problems.
And yes, there are always mental health issues that cause a person to act. There are substance abuse issues, too. Maybe our leaders should address their own mental health issues and dependency on blood money to act by representing the ALL THE PEOPLE of the United States of America instead of their GD donors and effin' members of their bloodthirsty, gun loving party.
People say there is no way to completely stop this. I disagree. Look at most every other nation on the globe. The US leads in the number of firearms held in private hands. We also are leaders in the numbers of firearm related deaths based on sheer volume. Australia took action. Canada took action. New Zealand took action. A killer may still be able to kill using other weapons but the number of casualties will be greatly reduced. The nutjob who killed on October 1, 2017 in Las Vegas, leading to the greatest mass killing of innocent private citizens would have not been as lethal if he'd been brandishing a bladed weapon.
And gee, I wonder why I was reluctant to go out in public as Heather? Will I be targeted? Will I be threatened or subject to violence because someone doesn't like how I look or dress?
Do me a favor, please... Please contact your legislators and ask them to enact sensible laws to protect ALL Americans from senseless gun violence. Ask your legislators to enact sensible laws to protect the civil rights of ALL Americans including protections of the LGBTQ folks who are currently being targeted by many US States. We just want to live our lives without fear of violence.
Thank you.
Heather.
tl; dr version is I''M OUT AT WORK!
Hello friends.
Here's the deal. After wearing my lovely dress on October 31, a woman I work with (Ms. G) said in that dress I was "glowing." A couple days later, we were supposed to have a photo taken for our office's holiday greeting card. They wanted it to happen on Friday 11/4 but I would be off for a dental visit. I said why not today, Thursday? A quick response of "No way!" from another woman (Ms. D. We all agree to make it happen on the following Monday. The woman who said I was glowing told me that we all have to "look pretty" for the photo.
For the entire weekend I'm thinking about "looking pretty" at work. I ask my spouse, "What do I do? Do I follow through on Ms. G's request? She even said to wear the red dress I'd gotten from Dress Barn a few years ago." Sunday night I pulled the red dress from the closet.
Monday morning comes... I get my routine started about ten minutes earlier than usual but still haven't made a firm decision to dress pretty. In the shower, I do a quick cleanup and remove stray hairs. Still no decision made. I then give my face a close shave and move to the bedroom. Still unsure. I dig out the nylons and start pulling them up my legs. I've worn nylons under my work pants a number of times in the past. On goes the bra and the appropriate breast forms. I've worn a bra to work daily for at least five years and breast forms in my bra for at least four years. Once I had the nylons on, the decision was more likely. Next a new camisole and then the chunky heeled sandals I'd worn the previous Monday. Over everything goes the red dress and my little "shrug" sweater thingie that I'd worn the other time I'd worn the dress. Back to the bathroom to add some eyebrow tint and mascara. Gather my things: purse, insulated bag with granola bars and water and out the door I go!
At 5:50 am, it was a bit chilly but I was not too cold. I get to the office, walk in alone, go to my desk and Ms. D glances at me and I say, "I did it! Ms. G said to "look pretty. I am." "Well, okay!" she replies. For the first two hours, co-workers come to the front office where I work and look at me puzzled, I tell the story of "look pretty" for the upcoming photo.
We've been on overtime for a couple of months, that's why the six am start time. Our office is open to the public from 8 am to 5 pm. Last week, my job was to be the person to triage our customers, to determine what brought them to the office. I was the first employee seen by the public. I had some great interactions with people. Some didn't read me, even. I think a couple of old guys thought I'd be interested. I'm not! There were some who I"ve seen many times and didn't say anything and there was one who said "that is a new look." I don't remember what my reply was... I know that there are at least three women in the office who share my political views, out of 22. One of the women saw me and whispered, "You look great!" Ego boost!!!
We take the photo around 3:00 pm. It was great. A short time later my direct supervisor, pulls me into the office manager's office and tells me to sit. Usually in an instance like this, a person would have some kind of fear. I didn't!
She goes on to tell me that she's been waiting a long time for this to happen.
"Huh?" my mind races! She gave me a hard time when my hair got long and she also gave me a hard time when I kept my pink fingernail polish for 3 weeks after our last approved Halloween.
She told me that she's glad for me. She said that our employer has protections for all. She said that if I wish to be addressed differently or use pronouns, she'll stand beside me 100%. I told her that for the time being, we'll not make any changes. I also said that new pronouns are still a hard thing for me to use, even when I know a person uses something that is different than it had been. I thanked her! We talked about how others in the office might react, I stated that I might worry about a couple of people's reaction but if they give me trouble, I'd pop them in the nose. (Of course I wouldn't and I explicitly told her that if there was any hostility toward me, I'd let her know, if she's not available, there's a whole chain of command that I can rely upon.
At the end of our shift, I told everyone that I didn't know "who" would show up Tuesday.
Tuesday, I don't ever remember what I wore! I had to go into the bedroom and figure it out! Red floral skirt and textured V-neck white tee that I'd bought as a back-up for the poodle skirt Halloween outfit.
Wednesday, I'd worn a tan faux suede skirt with a turtleneck. One female co-worker asked about my choice to change my wardrobe. I explained that I prefer it and it really makes me happy. She loved my outfit and said that she was jealous that I look better than her. (I don't, really!) I just hate wearing a belt, truly hate wearing a belt. She said that she was happy for me especially considering where we live.
Thursday, I wore the same pink, purple and red tie-dye skirt and tee shirt that I'd chosen for the Pride parade.
We were off on Friday to remember the sacrifices of those who served in our military.
Saturday was another workday! Another 8.5 hours of overtime! I chose a black and white patterned cotton dress that I'd never worn.
So what does this mean? I'm out at work!
We're up to Sunday. Today. Right now. The present. At nine-thirty AM I have an appointment scheduled to get my flu shot, shingles shot and COVID booster at a local pharmacy. I have to be there in ninety minutes. I'm sitting at my desk in leggings and a long sleeved shirt. I think I'll probably wear better leggings and a nice top. Don't know. I'm also thinking about wearing the velour skirt and turtleneck. We'll see!
Thanks for visiting!
Heather.
I went to work. In my dress. First time in two years that I've been able to dress authentically in the office.
I've never had such a wonderful reception to what I wore to the office. One co-worker said I was glowing. They were disappointed when I arrived Tuesday morning in a button-down shirt and pants.
My interactions with customers were all positive. One older man had no idea that I wasn't a cis woman. No, he wasn't hitting on me. I don't remember the full conversation but his name was the same as a famous old time movie actor and I said that I was named after my dad...
My big statement was I hate wearing a belt, one of the other male people in the office agreed. He's a supervisor, we spoke about whether it is okay with the higher ups and how would wearing a dress work with the office dress codes and my response was that the code allows gender expression. It was a great day. I totally rocked the dress. My only problem was that I am not used to wearing something that has a slit and I was a bit self conscious when the wind started blowing.
I will be talking with my therapist about how this will affect my psyche.
I do think this is a great step.
Heather
ps. after leaving work on Monday I did the most important thing as an American citizen. I cast my ballot in the mid-term election. I went to the polls after leaving the office, still in my dress. The "greeter" at the polls said I looked lovely. The guy who gave me the ballot, didn't think twice about who I was and how I was dressed. Totally businesslike.
On a recent Saturday I put on my favorite pink and purple skirt and went to Vegas to do my usual auction pickups, a bit of shopping and see the kids.
I went to my two auction pickups and was heading to see the kids, stopped at a red light. Light turns green, the guy in front of me decides that he's going to make a left turn from the center lane. Guy behind me starts blasting his horn, I toot my car's horn to get the guy in front of me to move out the center lane. He finally moves and I proceed forward. The impatient guy behind me decides he's going to speed past me in the right turn lane and sideswipes me as he goes by. I went along my way. He pulls off to the side of the road and I drive along, heading to see my kids. Next thing I know, my van is being hit from the left side and I'm spinning counterclockwise. I get out of the van and he says to me, "why did you hit me?" It was at that point that I decided to not move the vehicle to preserve evidence of skid marks in the road.
He called police, I called 911. Shortly thereafter, I call my ex-wife and let her know that I'd be late as I'd had an incident. She tells me that she's going to send her new husband who is a former Las Vegas cop to keep me company. I told her to let him know that I'd be the one in a skirt.
He arrives and we hang out for a few hours waiting for the officers to arrive. After a while, he calls to dispatch and updates the information they have on the crash. Telling them about the details of how I had been PIT maneuvered by the other driver. A while later, my ex arrives followed shortly thereafter by our kids. We're all just hanging out, being silly waiting for the officers. The other driver had a couple people who had arrived and were chatting with him.
The officers arrive and my former police officer friend goes to chat with them, after their conversation I speak with the officers and tell my story. The officers look at the evidence, take measurements and photos of the skid marks and photos of the damage to both cars. Officers took recorded and written statements from the me and that guy and then release me, I drive away. My ex stays on scene for a couple minutes and sees that the other guy seems to be arguing with the officers, flailing his arms about. (Not a way to convince someone that your side of the story is right.)
All in all, I had to live a day filled with police interaction and it made no difference that I was in a skirt.
After all this, I missed the opportunity to go to Costco so I suggested to the kids that we go to WinCo foods for me to get some of the groceries I would have bought at Costco. Another interaction with a live person, the store's cashier was wonderful. No rise, no questions, just a nice person doing her job.
I get home and call the insurance company to report the claim. They tell me that the other driver has already reported the incident and apparently claims he's injured. The claim also says that the incident happened at a different location, miles west of where it happened, and that the driver was MY WIFE!
The insurance company calls to get a recorded statement from me. I state that I feel that I was assaulted by the other driver when he slammed into my vehicle with his PIT maneuver.
A couple days later I get an email from my insurance company to verify who was driving my van and who took the photos of the crash scene and damage to my vehicle.
Me and me I replied. Spouse was home, many miles away. I think there is clearly a question about my identity. If someone comes out and asks me directly, I will state the obvious but I didn't volunteer anything. I guess my look was good enough to pass the test of interaction with other people.
I'll keep everyone posted with this interesting adventure.
Heather
