Home again. Another trip has come and gone.

 Hello everyone.

I'm back in the desert after a week in very green New England. My trip was nice but certainly not restful. According to the car rental company, I drove over a thousand miles in the course of my time there. I know that I was in five states, CT, MA, VT, NH and NY. And yes, again Heather flew out and back home but she didn't present herself to the family on this trip. 

I arrived Tuesday evening, ate dinner with my parents, chatted for a while and then went to bed.

Wednesday, I got Mom up for her trip to dialysis. AT FIVE FIFTEEN! She overslept, it was supposed to be 4:45 when shegot up. She usually leaves the house at 11:00 am but she was able to go in at 6:00 so we'd be able to go on an overnight trip with Mom, Dad and my sister. I bring Mom to her appointment, grab a hot cup of coffee and a Boston Creme at Dunkin, head home, get my stuff ready for our overnight trip, shower and get ready, let my sister know that everything is still on track for her to come over, wake Dad and get him ready, head out with Dad and Sister to collect Mom and strike out on our adventure.

We drive to northern New Hampshire where Mom spent time as a kid. Our plan was to dawdle long enough to not have to wait at the hotel for check-in so we stopped for some groceries to have something to snack on. We grabbed crazy snacks, salads and a sandwich as if we were a bunch of kids, each with $20 in a candy store. Off we to toward the hotel to check-in. All good!

Mom had told my sister that she'd always wanted to see the big, fancy hotels in that area such as the Mountain View Grand Resort and Spa and the Mount Washington Hotel.  My sister gets the directions plugged into the GPS and we head to the Mountain View... I drop Mom, Dad and Sister at the front entrance, walk from the back 40 after parking the car and learn that Mom's not interested in seeing the interior of the hotel, "we're not staying here, we have no business being here."  My sister goes up the stairs to the porch and snaps a couple of photos and comes back down to where we are standing.  Mom's adamant about not going inside. I take the long hike back to the car, drive up to the valet drive and collect everyone.  We drive around the area where Mom grew up with the goal of her seeing the former farm. Again, she's very specific about what she's comfortable and willing to do: "Don't go beyond this point, your uncles came here 30 years ago and the guy who owns it ran them off the property with a shotgun." I pull into the driveway going exactly as far as she wanted. Mom sees the property and new (30+ years ago built) house and says lets get out of here quickly.  I put the rental in reverse, squeezing the SUV down the narrow driveway and glance up to see a guy chasing us on an ATV. My sister asks me to stop and she gets out. Mom's taking about how she's concerned. I ask Mom to be quiet so I can hear the conversation happening in front of the car.  I overhear the man say, "I insist!" My sister gets in and says to Mom, "he wants you to see the place." What starts out being a stressful event turns AMAZING! Mom proceeds to tell him and his wife about the family stories, some they'd heard and some they hadn't.  We were visiting much longer than we'd expected and when we left, things in Northern New Hampshire were closing. We're trying to find a place for real food to complement our room snacks. We try one place, go in, stand at the counter to order but nobody ever came to take the order.  After a few minutes, we left and returned to our hotel.  My sister and I brought Mom and Dad to their room then the two of us went to our hotel's restaurant to get a takeout meal for our parents and a sit-down meal for us. We chat and eat and realize that the place is closing so we go back to our parent's room to make plans for Thursday and then off to our own rooms to sleep.   

Thursday morning, we all go to the hotel's buffet breakfast. After eating, we get ourselves ready to go exploring, pack up and head out.  We drive through the White Mountains National Forest, stopping a few times to see different sights. At one scenic area, we must have explored for two hours. (My sister didn't want me to spend for the parking pass, I did anyway!) Our next stop was the Mount Washington Hotel. Again, Mom refused to get out of the car to see the place.  My sister said that she's going to check the place out and I agreed. We walk over to the hotel, into the sitting area and marvel at the grandeur. Off to the spa and indoor pool area, gift shop, "cave" nightclub, rear porch, Adirondack chairs on the rear lawn, texting photo after photo to Mom telling her what she's missing with one having the message, "The nice lady said to come in and look around.". After about an hour, we head back to the car where Mom is just getting out to stretch her legs. I tell my sister that Mom's ready to go in and Mom agreed!!! So we get Dad out of the car and the four of us walk up to the hotel and explore the same areas and show Mom and Dad the amazing place.  Everyone had a great trip! Mom got to do some things that she'd only been able to dream about for many years. 

It's eleven PM, I have had a long week and I have an early morning planned.

I'll finish my blabbing in the near future.

Tomorrow night, go look at the sky! The Perseids are supposed to be amazing this year.

Have an amazing weekend!

Heather.

Sunday 4:44 pm

 Here I am, blogging instead of getting my things ready for my trip. In my defense, I've been doing some of the house chores that have needed doing for a while.  I've also brought in a third suitcase in case I choose to not load the larger one I usually bring.

I've been thinking about whether to arrive at the family homestead as Heather, again. It might just be worth it.  I've got such a nice dress planned for my trip that it'll be a real shame to have to change out of it in the car. Life is too short.

I'm really looking forward to this trip but as my parents get older, I fear that the inevitable will happen before I arrange another trip.  Mom's health isn't great and Dad's not all there mentally. 84 is a long life and they've had some great experiences. This trip will hopefully fulfill some of Mom's wishes before she leaves us. She wants to see where her family was laid to rest in New Hampshire.  My Dad's been reluctant to leave the house for any lenghty trip for a while, I suspect it's because he's familiar with the surroundings and being away from familiarity will be hard to deal with. We're planning an overnight trip, too.

I'm starting to think about telling Mom about me. 

It's going to be an adventure. We'll see how this goes. 

I'll share some details when I return.

Heather

Another trip.

 Hello friends!

I'll be flying out early Tuesday morning. This year, a group of my high school classmates will be meeting to reminisce about what we did in the olden days and catch up since we last met.  We were supposed to meet up five years ago but we couldn't muster a large enough group to justify the expense of renting a venue for a handful of people. When I graduated, our class had about 120 people and at the time it was the largest ever.  The town has grown since then. New schools were built. It's much different.

Is Heather attending? I don't think she will but she may be revealed to the group.

At this point, I'm pretty sure Heather will be flying.  It was a great experience last time and since this will be summer travel, I'll be able to enjoy wearing a dress.  While there, I'll be spending the week with my 84 year old parents. I don't think Heather will make an appearance at the house.  Mom didn't seem too pleased last time although she was very sick when I arrived and had the pleasure of bringing her to the ER the next morning.  I never saw Mom after dropping her off at the ER. I wasn't even allowed to say goodbye.

We'll be visiting the town where Mom grew up in northern New Hampshire with my sister. I haven't ever spoken about Heather with my sister.  I'm not sure how that conversation would even turn out. I think it's a bit of a "let sleeping dogs lie" situation. Does the benefit outweigh the risk? Considering the handful that our parents are, I don't know if it's a good idea to unleash another pseudo socio issue on her or me... 

I did one of my least favorite personal chores last week.  A few months ago, I went to a "salon" and got my hair cut and had my eyebrows waxed. It was totally worth it but $100 after tip was a bit of a luxury. Last Saturday I went back to Great Clips for my regular cut in boy mode. I like Great Clips because I'm a bit anonymous there. I don't think I've ever had the same person cut my hair twice. Plus I rarely go to the same shop twice in a row. But the real reason to speak about getting that haircut... was... that... the person cutting my hair was non-binary! I was so pleased to see a person wearing a skirt in the shop and they called ME!.  I fully regretted being in boy mode!  After they were finished, I took the step and revealed myself to them, saying that "I don't usually look like this. pulled out my phone and showed my wallpaper photo of me in a skirt. THIS is what I look like at work." Honestly, I don't think they were all that impressed about me outing myself but it made me feel great.

Have a great week!

Heather.

An outing? Real and maybe travel plans, too.

 Juneteenth. Very important and historic.

I'm glad to know that it is recognized as a Federal Holiday and many states including Nevada are including it as a State Holiday.

We've come far but there is much to be done.

Outing. Well, sheeeew. There are still people who I haven't introduced to Heather. 2/3 of my kids are fully aware of me, my ex and her new husband too.  Years ago, I threatened my parents to bring Heather and I did last November.  Dad seemed to be okay with it but Mom was clearly not.  

I have friends who have seen me dressed for Halloween and/or "special" events but never for any other occasion.  I had one friend we'll call Ms. D who come into my office twice when I was dressed. First time was a Halloween at work day and the second time we were busy and I don't think she really SAW me.

Friday of last week, I was in the office and I hear a customer ask where I was. I have stopped wearing my glasses so looking at a person 20 feet away doesn't really give me a good idea of who is asking after me.  I walk over and after talking for a couple minutes, realize with whom I'm talking. We'll call her Ms. C. A mutual acquaintance of the person in the above paragraph. I'm thinking, well Ms. D has been put off by Ms. C's antics and was likely out of the socio/professional circle.  Saturday comes and I go to the group where I volunteer and toward the end of the check in period comes in Ms. C. Oh boy. I'm in boy mode. The only person in our volunteer group with whom I'm out is our pro (Ms. S) and is an ally and I'm completely comfortable with her so I am out to Ms S. for a couple months.  I do most of the initial check-in paperwork, which I'd never done before. And go to the second process which leaves Ms C. with Ms. D.  I'm around the corner, doing my thing and I hear Ms. C telling the story of seeing me Friday. Ugh.

To myself I say aloud, "my secret is out."

As volunteers, we all have tasks that we're most comfortable doing. Some do prep work, some move things from room to room. Some check in or check out. As we're all working, someone says "that Ms. C is something!" I tell stories about my previous experiences with her. She's a trip, all right!

Through the course of the day, this is what I hear about Friday: Nothing. Nothing at all. At some point, I'm working alone with Ms S. and I mention the whole "outing me" to Ms. D. I realize that I'm going to have to come out to everyone some day and I almost think it's really no big deal but I also want it to be on my terms and only on my terms.

Have a good week,

Heather.

ps.

Ms. S was talking about a recent trip she'd taken with some friends to the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah.  She also said that she would like to go back soon.  I mentioned that it would be a fun trip especially if I went as Heather. The towns of Colorado City, Arizona and Hilldale, Utah are nearby.  These towns are where many members of the radical FLDS sect led by Warren Jeffs live.  I'm working at convincing my spouse to go along. I think it's going to be fun.

One more thing...I'm flying to New England for a week in August.  I'm pretty sure Heather will be going along and nearly positive she'll be flying again.

Outrage! Boy-howdy what a rambling tale!

 Hi everyone!

June 3, 2023. 

We lived through the outrage of certain books in our public libraries and the libraries of our schools.

We've lived through the outrage of Drag Queens.

We've lived through the outrage of Bud Light.

We've lived through the outrage of Target.

Welcome to PRIDE month 2023!

I'm out at work. Openly presenting as a female every day. My coworkers still call me my other name. (My choice, not theirs.  My statement to everyone was, "you've known me as that name for eight years AND I have only told two people that I go by Heather.)  I'm referred to as "ma'am" by most of our customers. Some customers are terrific, some... not so much.

Some days, my presentation is perfect and I feel amazing. Other days, I look and feel a bit bedraggled.  Such is life.

Back to the "out at work" part.  I "cut the cable" a couple of years ago. I no longer have access to the 24 hour news cycle provided by cable/satellite TV. $80 + per month and we rarely watched anything.  Spent a few bucks on an antenna and new wires.  Of course I still have the internet and that TV antenna on the roof of the house for broadcast television.  At first I watched TV every day, I had certain shows that I'd put on when I woke up and just needed something (Barnaby Jones on ME TV) if I didn't return to sleeping on the recliner.  I don't watch the local news, I stopped watching the local news a few years ago, before the Presidential Primaries, the local stations started sounding like Cable News with their canned statements, Corporate Opinions presented as "news" and clear bias against the best interests of the American citizens. At work I hear ALL about the manufactured crisis regarding the never ending flood of immigrants and most recently the crisis presented by the LGBTQ community and our effect on America's children.  "How Target IS selling bathing suits for trans kids, right at the front of the stores, even." "Kohls had to put PRIDE items in the front of the stores, Now I can't shop there!" "So many kids getting disfiguring surgery!" And this gem, "Just keep the kids out of it."  (The person who said this is 1/2 Native American AND Christian? Does she know the part religion played in the decimation of her ancestors? OR the massive problem with pedophilia in the Catholic Church.) Maybe Kohl's has PRIDE stuff on display out front but... Christmas stuff including Nativity Sets are displayed BEFORE Labor Day! Where is the outrage about that? I never hear Muslim people, Jewish folks, Buddhists, Native Americans, Agnostics or anyone else whining about the religious overload clogging our retail spaces for FOUR SOLID MONTHS!

I'm not anti-religion.  It's like the adage that I modified slightly, "Religion is like a penis. It's okay to have one but to force everyone to abide by it isn't right." Our nation and it's system of laws was built on a distinct separation of State and church. The First Amendment makes it clear:

"Amendment 1

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion..."

If any of these people used their common sense, did their own research and opened their eyes they would realize that none of that above info I wrote about swimsuits, kid's getting surgery, etc are accurate. They're just being fed lies from their Cable TV Overlords to incite hatred toward people like me. I've been told that they're happy I finally came out? (Y'all say that crap within earshot of me and you're happy that I'm out?) They waited so long for me to do come out? (Do you know what life is like in small town America?) It's borderline hostile to overhear some of the things said in the office. Just gotta vent for a bit. I probably won't say anything to the big bossy bosses even if I might have a reasonably strong case. If I lived where I used to live, I'd have greater options to change my office location and wanted transfer options.  This town is pretty much a one-horse town.  I make decent money, don't have too many stresses at work, have a decent home.  To quote my Mom, I'm not going to make too many waves unless it genuinely becomes an issue. I have to consider the risks and benefits to opening my mouth.

There are only a few TV shows I watch on live TV and have missed them when first aired so I usually stream the three animated shows on Fox Sunday nights; The Simpsons, Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.

Sometimes, Homer and Peter are clearly past their "best by date" but those shows are usually relatively entertaining. Bob, Linda, Tina, Gene and Louise plus the supporting characters of Bob's Burgers are involved in great storylines.  It's refreshing to see inclusivity, acceptance, love, trust, success AND failure on TV.  It's a thoughtful program. It makes me happy. It makes me sad. I love seeing what scrapes the family is getting into.  

The separation of State and church also applies to other issues too. I don't think any group should be imposing extreme ideologies on the entirety of a population. People are arguing that the LGBTQ community is trying to do it. The LGBTQ community isn't trying to make everyone become L or G or B or T or Q or I but we'd really like everyone to be Inclusive and an Ally! We're not forcing anyone to do anything but we are asking for them to accept us as equals. Give us the respect that their "lord and saviour, Jesus Christ" preached about.  The religious faction is trying to impose their beliefs and faith on our laws/society/citizens: Controlling healthcare for women, restricting abortion access, banning trans kids from living authentically. (Their argument is: "They're too young to know for themselves." I know what I felt when I was twelve. I know how I felt when I was 22.  I know what I felt when I was 30, 35 and 37 and felt like a huge part of my identity was shoved into a tightly capped bottle.  She only was able to exist after the family went to bed or at the two adults only Halloween events I'd attended. The few times I'd gone out were great but things change and opportunities no longer occured FOR MORE THAN TWENTY YEARS.  I felt shame for wanting to live authentically. I didn't want anyone to know because I'd feared that I'd be labelled a freak.  When I did come out to my wife, it was rough for her. I didn't know how hard she had taken it, she didn't share her concerns until recently.  She's come to be very okay with me being Heather and all that she encompasses.

Heather says to go have a great PRIDE month.

Much love to all..

Be happy, be yourself.

March 2023. about five months "out" at work.

Among the things I've learned since I've come out: 

• I don't get upset by innocent misgendering of me by others.
• Hearing someone say "yes, ma'am" to me makes my day.
• Simple compliments about little things make me feel amazing.
• It feels a bit weird to have old men flirt with me.
• If I dress in obvious female clothes. it feels better and people are more likely to "get it right."

It was the right decision for me.  I am much happier in my life than I was six months ago. I feel like a huge burden has been removed from me and I cannot imagine returing to a life where I'm having to pretend to be happy living as a male.  I won't deny that I still feel nervous in certain situations. I think my personal anxiety still has to be controlled before I'm completely at ease in public. There was a guy in the office today that made me feel a bit uneasy.  I'm sure that I was just being judgmental because I didn't know the person but his manneerisms were stand-offish and I try to control where when I'm in public places.  I haven't been out socially with friends since my outing aside from dinner with my wife and or kids.  In early April, I have a plan to go out to a huge charity event and I'll have to be beyond "over the top" with my look.

Have a great week

Heather

Nearly three months into my "out" experience. The tales of living in a conservative town.

Hi friends!

Here I am, still alive and kickin' and doing my thing. I've worn skirts or dresses nearly every day since the second Monday in November. I think there have been three or four days where I was "shamed" into wearing my jeans to work.  I am using the quotes on shamed because the women at work really get joy from wearing jeans and felt I should partake with them.  I made sure on those days to wear as feminine a top as possible.  

So, here are some of my observations and things that have been said to me or about me.

After doing this for so many days, one of my direct co-workers said that she'd not know how to process it if I wore male clothes to work! That was said today. She's the one who inspired me to dress.

One of the workers who occasionally travels from the city to our office to meet with our customers told me I looked great when she saw me for the first time since last year.

We had a lead social worker come to our office to introduce his replacement. I don't know how he felt about my changes.  The new guy was okay.  I think our retiree was instrumental in the departure of another social worker (pressured her and made her feel unwelcome) which was a bummer. She was a pretty awesome person. Unfortunately, she was a bit of a square peg in our office filled with round spaces. She and I got along really well.

A woman who does community outreach recently came in and saw me for the first time in a couple months.  She was supportive and asked a bunch of questions about how and when.  

I've heard from co-workers that some of the customers have badmouthed me because of my appearance. Frankly, I'm not worried or even bothered by their opinion. If they're so cowardly that they cannot say something to my face, so be it. Their loss.  

I've had people say sir to me and ma'am to me. Hearing someone say, "Hope you ladies have a great day about me and my co-workers makes me feel amazing.

I had a older guy who I've helped many times in the past come in and he told me that he's proud of me.  I was a bit shocked, he's kinda religious... It was a pretty good interaction.

I've had many compliments on my nails, my earrings and a few for my hair?!? One guy yesterday complimented me on my new hair color! I truly don't think it was a back handed compliment.

I've decided to not be offended by innocent misgendering. Sometimes it's totally innocent. One lady said "sir" to me and immediately apologized. I replied, "Life is too short to worry about something trivial and apology accepted.  A couple days later she came back in and was totally cool, said she was glad to see us at the window because she felt good when she left the office the last time.

I've made trips to the city in without worrying about carrying a spare outfit.  I've also had times where I'd worn male clothes to the city because I had plans with someone who isn't aware of the existence of me as Heather. I'm at ease with both halves of my existence.  I'm comfortable as Deadname or Heather but I cannot imagine going to work dressed in male clothes again.

If you're on the fence about making something happen, do it! Don't live in regret. Don't get to a point that you wonder "what if I had just done something...do it!

Years ago I had told my wife that I don't want to get old and have a number of things that I'd always wanted to do but was too scared to do it.

Please, just do your thing!