Bright red nails, finger and toes done up...out in the world.

I took my next step.  Friday afternoon, after work, I painted all my nails in a "fire engine red" and said that I wasn't going to remove the color until Monday morning.  We went out yesterday to pick up some online auction purchases and I was worried about how I'd be (I had brought the bottle of remover and two cotton balls as an emergency "out" if I couldn't handle it.) but after I started gathering our treasures I just did my thing and didn't think about my nails.  My very supportive spouse said that most people won't even notice and would be even less likely to comment because it be pretty rotten to call out someone in public.  I learned that our own biggest enemy, critic or fearmonger can be ourselves.

I made it!

I enjoyed my day out yesterday.  I cannot say whether anyone noticed the amazing color on my nails but if they did I was not aware of it.  I felt so confident.  My next trip out may involve me wearing a skirt and doing a bit of a gender blender thing.  I've got a knee length mini skirt that I like wearing.  The nice thing is I've worn it around our property many times and I'd say that from a distance, it looks like shorts.  Again, whether or not it has been noticed by people in the neighborhood is unknown.  I've thought about wearing this skirt and a men's shirt with my sandals.

Taking a public step! I'm excited.

I've painted all my nails; my toes are a brownish color called French Roast and my fingers are a nearly pink, glittery color called Intimate.  My spouse and I are going to the city and I've decided to not remove the colors.  Woo Hoo!

No "Shoulds" permitted!  In our home, we've come to learn that doing what another person says we "should" be doing is usually harmful to our own self.   Some of these are not so bad but when we have to give up a part of ones self to comply, then these expectations are unacceptable.  I am proud of me and I've worked hard doing what someone else expected me to do and I usually felt like I've given up a part of my being afterwards.  I try to live by my rules as much as possible.

An idea

Here I am all worried about what the world will think if I'm in public dressed in clothing marketed to women but the realization hits me that I see women cross dressing all the time.  I'm thinking that if a genetic woman can wear her hair closely cropped, go in public wearing garments marketed toward men, not wearing jewelry or make-up and just look like a dude, why do I worry about being cross-dressed in public wearing all the things she has chosen not to wear?  I realize that women have fought a battle for equality for many years and I have the utmost respect for this but in the end I just want to be happy and comfortable with who I really am and not have to live with my internal identity battle on a daily basis.

Saturday and the persistent thoughts.

Hi again,
I've been deep in thought about what I'm going to do.  My very supportive spouse is asleep and I'm here in the living room.  I just want to spend my every moment in girl-mode but I am meeting new people today or tomorrow and I don't know if I'm ready to do that as a woman.  I'll surely be underdressed, wear my diamond stud earrings and may put on nail varnish.

Spouse and I talked last night about my circumstances.  I asked myself out loud why I just don't go to the city dressed?  It would be a great experience for me.  She suggested that I need to find people who share my interests but I'm not really social like that.  I have few real friends and living in this town that pretends to have moral and conservative values presents a challenge.  The few people at work are not really friend material (I'm the only male in an office of twenty-six).  This work environment presents a challenge of it's own.  I see the clothes that the women wear and wonder how I'd look in that skirt or dress and oh! how I'd love to wear those boots!  The policy of my employer is to not discriminate based on gender expression but we all know how people will talk behind someone's back when a person is "different."  For women, all the "don't be a distraction" type rules are in effect such as no spaghetti straps, nothing too revealing and so-on.  Men get to choose slacks and a collared shirt while women can wear a dress, blouse and skirt, pant suit or slacks and top. 

So what's a person to do?  Do I continue to be Heather when I'm home and while driving home from the city or do I just say "what the hell" and make the step by becoming Heather 24/7 knowing full well that the co-workers are going to snicker behind my back?  I'd love to go to the market dressed in my pretty skirt but spouse is worried about violence directed at me when I'm in public.  Knowing the hooligans in this town, it could be an issue but I also know that there are a few individuals like me in town.  I'm not really a fighter but if the need to defend myself arose, I'd certainly fight back. 

'til next time.

Heather

Hello again.

I love to dress in clothing marketed to women! 

Until next time...

Heather