Could you?

Hola~

Is it possible to just be? To not need to think out everything before doing it?

Could you do this?

Answering any of these with a "no" reply is okay if it fits your place in life. I can't expect anyone to do something that's beyond their safety zone. It took me 56 years to live and work as Heather on a daily basis and in public. I think many of us are a bit worried about the future of our civil rights. I have no interest in going back in the closet.

Early in the process of my current personal revolution, I would be getting ready to do whichever mundane public chore I'd given myself and I'd get myself worked up, anxious about the contradicting internal voices telling me why I should or should not go out in my chosen wardrobe. I can't say that these thoughts have fully left. Prepping for work reveals the strength Heather has over the rest of my existence. Showering and that part of the routine is rough. I just don't want to go to work. I'm old and cranky and the ridiculousness of modern life is a harsh opponent. Alas, Heather's got this. Once she realizes it's better than the lousy job we had before this the task of getting ready is easier. She remembers that she's working at a nothing job that pays well, a job that isn't physically or mentally challenging. On top of all this... Heather looks fabulous while working. Could you do this? 

Our world has made daily life pretty stressful. The pressures to not become a target, to maintain the confidence to move forward or earn a living can be overwhelming but becoming Heather on a daily basis is all that I need to motivate me. I have safety at work, so far. As long as I can remain employed there until I'm eligible for Medicare for me and my spouse, we should be okay.

Travel is coming.

Could you comfortably travel by plane in 2025 as a transgendered person? Would you feel safe going through a security checkpoint with an ID that doesn't conform with your presentation? In the past I've done it without any issue but there wasn't the level of hostility toward members of certain parts of the LGBTQ community that's reared its ugly head since January. I don't know what I'm going to do. In a few weeks I go to New England for a long weekend. I think this will be the trip where I tell my sister and her husband about Heather's full-time existence. On one of my previous trips, Dad met Heather but he doesn't usually remember things five minutes after he was told. My sister has seen Heather's Halloween photos but never in person. I think the time is right to be open with her. Flying from Vegas as Heather will be easy, I think. Connecticut still has LGBTQ safeguards, too. It shouldn't be an issue. But those darned "what if's" are always there. 

Will Heather be flying in August? Will my sister learn that after nearly 60 years she's got a younger sister?

I am almost certain I'll be flying as Heather and I feel the need to tell my sister about my reality. Coming out to everyone is one of my life goals for 2025. I'll share the results of these choices after my return.

The only awkward thing will be getting to the airport and her seeing me dressed without knowing first.  I still have to reconcile this. I can stop in a restroom before getting to baggage claim and do a quick change.

This composition has taken me about three days to build. Time to hit "publish" and think about the next installment.

Photo by Heather D. Waters, copyright 2022.

Have a good week.

Chat later,

Heather

Clothes make the ma'am!

Hi!

It's late on July 2.

In the past I've told the tale of buying from a nearby auction company that's selling Amazon and other retailer returns. One of the most recent items I bought was an Exquisite Form "long line bra" size 46C in beige. I laundered it and gave it a test fit last week. I was pleasantly surprised by how it looked when I tried it on. Years ago I did a fifties look for Halloween with a variation of the Poodle Skirt where my skirt had a stylized cat on it. I tried to find the perfect bra to wear for my desired look under my white top but never found something that gave me a bullet bra effect.  I found the desired look in this bra. When I realized that I had a very pointy look from this bra, I wished it was winter so I could find a pullover sweater and look like a plump "sweater girl."

The funny thing about this bra is that I've had the same model bra in black for about three years and only wore it a handful of time. I never could accept the look it gave me.  But with this new one, I figured out that if I wear smaller breast forms like a letter D instead of the letter G, the perfect look. After trying the new one I tried the old one and it gave the same shape! 

 exquisiteform.com 

On their site, it sells for $28 plus tax, title and registration. Full disclosure, the bra I bought three years ago was bought from the reselling auction company for $1 plus tax and fees so I think the total purchase price was a whopping $1.25. The Beige one like the photo cost me $2.50 after fees two weeks ago.  We also have to add in the expense of driving 140 miles round trip with the fuel and nearly 3 hours of my life spent getting there and back. When I make this trip, I nearly always will be doing something else like seeing my kids or making a Costco run.

My review of this product is a full five stars of satisfaction.

Take care and live your life to the fullest!

Heather

Do the things that will please you! Get your nails done.

Nails! 

I believe that if you want to get a manicure and fake nails applied, just do it. Before I had them done professionally, I'd paint my nails on a Friday night and just go about my business all weekend. In boy mode or not, I'd usually have some color on my nails in the house and out on the town or shopping. 

I'm nearly sixty years old. If people have a problem with my decisions and choices, too bad! They're not living my life, responsible for my expenses or working my job.

Get. Your. Nails. Done!

If you want to have your brows waxed, do it. You want earrings? I did. I had each ear pierced with three holes. Two have closed on each side due to lack of use... But I wear something every weekday in my ears. It helps with my female presentation. You've gotta give the visual cues about who you are!

None of us are getting any younger.  Don't get to the end of the journey and feel like you've let your real self down because you're not being authentic to yourself.

The red manicure is from last October when I was dressing as Marilyn for Halloween. This was the first time I'd had acrylics done. I haven't stopped getting them done since!

This was the polish I chose for December. I picked a similar polish with bolder glitter for February.

These photos are my current style. Green "Cats Eyes." It's a 3D effect that looks pretty terrific! It's only Monday and I was dealing with the public for just a short time and I had two consecutive customers gush over my nails!

My ruler showing that my nails are about 1/4" long.  I went a week ago Saturday and you can see how much they've grown out. I think I prefer them rounder like the red instead of the squircle style of the green.

This last photo is from a trip my kids and I took to Reno's "Hot August Nights" car event back in 2022. We stopped in Goldfield, NV to visit the "International Car Forest of the Last Church."

InternationalCarForestoftheLastChurch 

(Hope the link works!) If it doesn't, it's a dot com...

On this trip, I brought exclusively female clothes for the weekend. No backup plan. No way to chicken out. It was before I was "out" at work.  I had a pair of women's shorts that I decided to wear under one dress that I discovered was shorter than I'd expected. But the entire weekend in public was spent as Heather.  It was the beginning of her liberation.

Really, go out and live your best life! You probably won't regret anything and if you do, you'll have quite the tale to tell afterward.

I rarely post actual photos of me! I guess I picked a photo that matters for the last day of Pride Month, 20205. Yeah, the whole blog has my mug on it... I know.

Have a great week.

Heather

Purge!

Oh no!

Don't worry, it's not what you're thinking.

To purge, in the world of a transgender person, is to take away all of your clothing and accessories that associate with your real identity. Either throwing it away or donating to a charitable organization or worse possible option... rage destroying the stuff.  We purge to protect some part of us that feels unsafe. We feel threatened by someone learning our "little secret" or something happening in our world to upset our safety net.

In 2005, I purged my entire female existence.  I was buying a house and my best friend/future wife was moving in with me at this home. We each had separate apartments and the stuff to fill both places and our belongs would be filling a 53-year-old house that was about 1000 square feet.  We donated redundant furniture; small appliances and I donated lots of clothing.  I was adamant about her not going through my stuff because I had concealed Heather's clothes in with my excess and unneeded male clothing.  She wanted to try reselling some of my better clothing and things. She was aware that I had attended adult themed Las Vegas Halloween Balls a few years prior dressed in women's clothing but she didn't know yet that this was the life I wanted to live.

Today's purge is different. I'm going through my closet and purging much of the male clothing. I haven't gone to work in male attire in nearly three years and rarely go out in public presenting as a male.  I don't need twenty plus button down shirts.  I don't need ten pair of "dress slacks." I have a pair of boy jeans a couple pair of "nice" pants and shirts in case I need to travel east. I'll keep even though I haven't worn them probably in a year or more. The last few times I've been out and presented as male, I've worn either my women's jeans or the women's slacks I wear to work.  Why do I need a full wardrobe of male clothing that I'll never wear?  

I just got off the phone with my Dad and told him about getting rid of some of the excess clothing.  He suggested that I keep everything because (he's a thrifty New Englander) I might need the clothes in the future!  Dad, I won't ever wear them again.  I didn't remind him about my preference of wearing women's attire, though.  He's seen Heather in person a number of times and I've told him my story.  Dad's 86 and doesn't remember anything that happened in the last five years.

What will I do with the things I'm about to banish from my house? I'm going to bring them to the LGBTQ group that I attended a few weeks ago.  They're starting a clothing closet for transgender people.  I'll be making another person's transition and existence a bit easier.  Having been to the group meeting, I realized that there are lots of people who are struggling to just get some of the basic things that I have an excess of. Some of the folks don't enjoy the luxury of a job that requires (so far) full acceptance of a person's chosen identity, and some don't even have the luxury of employment.  It isn't that I didn't know, I work in the world of helping needy folks at my job.  I'm not rollin' in the dough but I don't worry about my next meal or losing the roof over my head. I'll also donate some of my women's clothing that I never wear. I have plenty and surely someone will benefit. (Don't call me Shirley!)

 Hopefully my meager contribution will help my sisters and brothers who just need a hand up to a less stressful life.

Have a great Sunday afternoon.

Heather.

Group! Outreach! LGBTQIA community. Get in the circle.

 Hi!

I went last night. It surely pushed some buttons for me. Will I go back? Yes. The trek is about 70 miles each way and it happens each Friday evening. Three hours driving after working a truncated shift of 6.5 hours. I left work at 3:30pm, drove home, added snack/water/ice blocks and stuff to my cooler bag, switched cars and started driving. I had one stop to make along the way, fighting rush hour traffic I get to the home of my kids. Gasoline and time add up.

The experience was good. There were people of all ages and identities in attendance. They said that the attendance was probably more than they'd had ever before?!? That's good news. Did I learn anything? I can't say that I did but the messages affirmed what I've been saying. "Live for yourself." Take care of yourself." 

Like many groups, I saw that there were people who weren't the facilitators but wanted to speak. Hopefully they aren't the kind of people who need to be the center of attention. 

After group, the building was to close at 8:00pm and we all went outside to mingle and chat. I did feel old though. It was nice to be social but I didn't really chat with people close to my age. I'm so socially awkward and uncomfortable in new situations.

The other offspring went grocery shopping with her mom while we went to the meeting. Dinner was supposed to be ready when we returned but the shopping took more time than expected. They wanted us to buy dinner and bring it back to the house. Sub sandwiches was the choice. We go to the sub shop which is half way between the facility and their house. CLOSED! No subs, too late. We call the oldest and break the news, she was upset. We suggest pizza from a place in the same parking lot. Oldest says, "you know what I like..." We move the car and realize that about 15 people we had just been with were enjoying pizza. We order, hang out, chat and then the pizza was ready.

Back to the house we go... Grumpy oldest kid sulks into the kitchen. We set the table, call their mom in for dinner and break into the pizza and garlic bread. OMG, it was SO good! Oldest was stuffing her face and I saw a bit of a grin emerge... I pointed it out and the grump was gone.

Overall, it was a nice night and quite interesting.

Heather. 

Big step Friday. Another FIRST.*

 Hello everyone,

Tonight, I'm going to a support group meet up with my youngest kid. I've known about the place for years and have recommended them to attend. We wanted to go but never had it happen. Tomorrow night will be my first visit and the offspring's third visit. I took off from work a bit early so I can make the trek into the city. Apparently there are people ranging in age from about 16 to around my age. I'm excited to see how this works and of course I'll share the experience.

* Full disclosure,.. Yeah, back in the late nineties I went to a couple Tri ESS meetings.  One or two at a private home and one at a LGBTQIA bar. I don't remember much about them, I just remember being uncomfortable. The gurls were nice and friendly enough but I was way out of my element and out of place since I was probably at least 20 years younger than everyone else in attendance. Most of the gurls in attendance were probably my current age... nearly 30 years ago. I think the chapter head was Michelle.  Does Tri Ess still exist? I haven't looked for them in a bunch of years. Yes... triess.org still is there. Looking at the Tri Ess website and a basic internet search doesn't show a southern Nevada chapter. We always need community and sisterhood. Hopefully the world will remember that we're all people and stop treating us like monsters.

A coworker was talking about gender issues with me. You can tell she watches fox news, unfortunate as it is because she mentions the hot button topics that are usually in the news: Sports, Bathrooms, the advantage some transgender folks supposedly enjoy in society. I remind her that our population is a relatively small percentage of overall society and that we sometimes just need to pee but hostilities against our sisters both cisgender, transgender and non-binary have made it unsafe to use a toilet. I've also told her that we don't choose to endure the stress of feeling like we're in the wrong body. It would really be much easier if people could just exist without being judged.

Living in society is easy most of the time as Heather. The hardest part is getting past my own barriers and silencing the voices in my head that echo the things we were taught as kids. "Boys don't do that." "That's only for girls." "What will people say?" "What will they think?" "I've lived here my whole life, what will our neighbors say about us?" At 59.5 years old, I no longer care about any of those questions. I can tell you directly that my neighbor to the east will hate Heather because of the political sign that's still in front of his house nearly 8 months after an election. I'm here. I will not go back and cower in the closet. I will continue to live my live and I might have a TACO.

have a great Friday! 

Heather

From the desk of Heather...

 Hello

Tuesday afternoon was our annual visit with the GP. No, I didn't have "the talk" with her. The office was too chaotic. I will eventually do so. The doctor wants tests on my thyroid.  Nothing too scary. The 240 pound bear in the room was me going to this visit after working 4 hours at the office. The only changes I made in the time between work and doctor was a soft bra instead of the underwire and a  different size/shape breast form. The younger female nurse gushed over my nails, like always and neither the doctor, her son/receptionist and the "right hand man" male nurse reacted to my appearance. My spouse said the doctor looked puzzled when she held the stethoscope to my chest, listening to my heartbeat and felt the incline of the breast form. 

One of my "resolutions" for 2025 was to be out to everyone. I don't know if I'm truly comfortable being out to everyone but I'm intending to reduce the number of people who don't know about Heather. Two and a half years living openly as a woman and going to work 5 days per week in my conservative town has made Heather rather comfortable in her existence even with the current hostile political climate. THAT is part of why I'm wanting to be out to almost everyone. I refuse to go back into the closet. My clothes aren't hurting anyone. My existence isn't hurting anyone. I hope we can all stand together and fight the oppression that the tiny thumb is trying to illegally exert on our communities. 

Go out and live your best life! I am, every day. I hope you do, too.

I still worry about going out in my clothes (heck, in today's world nothing is safe... right?) but I don't ever want to change back to living a drab existence.

Thanks for visiting...

Heather