Hi. I'm here, I guess?

Good Saturday to everyone,

There are so many things to unpack since I last wrote in this space.

I'm not going to dive "in depth" regarding the elephant in the space. To quote my youngest kid, we'll make it through this.

On November 5th, I had the preliminary visit for a planned surgery on my deviated septum. It was supposed to happen on 11/13/24. This is a surgery I was supposed to have done in May but I had a bad result from an EKG leading to a visit to a cardiologist and a stress test. The cardiologist took five months to get the results back to my doctors so I could be released for surgery. The results finally arrive, my GP clears me, the ENT contacts me to get an updated chest xray and bloodwork and schedules me. So, 11/5 I go to the ENT who is now concerned that my EKG is outdated since it was read back in May... The ENT is the first medical practitioner I had visited in any form of female presentation. I had gone for my bloodwork before heading to work, in a blouse and jeans. For the xray, I wore a tank dress. It was also the day I'd gotten my flu and COVID shots through my employer's sponsored shot clinic.

I had never visited my GP while presenting as Heather. In fact I still have my acrylic nails from that were done on October 25! But, Doctor ENT needed the EKG asap! Her office is about 20 minutes from my GP and both are about 70 miles, each way from my home. I'm trying to figure out how to mentally deal with this turn of events. Doctor GP isn't exactly openminded, I have heard her comment on some social issues in the past and believed it may be better to remain in the closet with her. There was no hiding my red hair, the bright red acrylic nails on my fingers or lovely v cut blouse I was wearing.

So, I get there... The nurse sees me and my wife. Looks at me and... asks why I look as I do. I hadn't thought of a story. On the spot, I say that it's a continuation of Halloween? The GP and her staff are all immigrants from Asia. I don't know how long they've been here in the US. The nurse seems more openminded and wasn't really listening when I said that he never sees me in everyday mode but today it was exactly that. I wait my standard forever until he calls me into the exam room.  I disrobe, removing everything but my jeans and red wig. He takes my EKG and it is okay, takes a second run to be sure. Okay again. I get off the exam table and he says he needs to take my vitals: Blood Pressure, Pulse ox... Remember, this is about 3:00 pm on 11/5/24! My blood pressure is ridiculous. (Gee, I wonder what happened on that day?)  190 over 120. OMG. WTF. Have I had any symptoms? No. Any headaches? No. No signs at all. The Doc comes in and asks the same questions. We agree to monitor my vitals at home. If, within a couple of days things change then I can proceed with surgery. I get myself put back together; the Doc wants to see how I look. She said I looked natural. Well, thank god for small wins? Doctor ENT had never seen me with my red wig. Usually, I just wore my pink ball cap and a blouse with jeans, leggings or a skort. She said that she really loved the color of my hair. It really worked for me. I take that as a huge win!

I have a follow-up scheduled for this coming Thursday with Doctor GP. I really don't want to un-do my nails but don't know if I want to come to terms with her knowing the full story.

Here I am, again waiting to be able to breathe freely for the first time.

My Mom would be happy that I'm trying to take care of myself but I think she'd be upset that it's taking so long to get everything settled. She was a tough person who pushed through adversity and pain so I try to do the same.

I'll do my best to remain vocal in this space. If I go to Doctor GP presenting as Heather, I'll let you know how it goes.  

Heather

November 2024. Hope for the future? Or is it a fever dream?

Hi!

Disclaimer, if you don't want to read strong political opinion... click away now! It's a deep departure from my regular blog posts. Screenshots, quotes, weblinks... this blog post has it all!

For the first time in many elections, I didn't "vote in person." The leaders of my county took the advice of the majority of my neighbors by pursuing only "secure" paper ballots this year. I dropped my completed ballot into the secure box at the polling place and I'm glad that I did. Looking at the polling place, I didn't see any privacy screens, just a big empty room with a Disney park series of switchbacks leading and a long table with chairs. My wife and I went Wednesday after work. I was still in my blouse and jeans from work. When we dropped our ballots into the secure box, the woman wished us a blessed day. Um... thanks?

For the first time since I moved to this weird town, I have seen more political signs for the Democratic candidate than for the convicted felon who also has a judgement against him for rape. I see more signs for the Democrat running for US Senate than her anti-choice GOP challenger. Heck, there's even a Nevada Assembly candidate who is a Democrat! It'll be a cold day in He11 when we see Democrats running for Nye County or local races, though. Quoting Blazing Saddles here, 

• "Jim: [consoling Bart, who is upset that his attempts to be cordial with the citizens of Rock Ridge led to him being racially insulted] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons."

 

Blazing Saddles (1974) - Quotes - IMDb  

No offense meant to the minority of intelligent folks here. But...my town has made the list!

"Why does 24/7 Wall St. say Pahrump is the worst city in Nevada?

The factors included how many residents experience poverty, lack of access to affordable housing and rates of substance abuse disorders and crime. 24/7 Wall St., which authored the article, pulled data from the U.S. Census Bureau, the FBI, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention."

https://www.rgj.com/story/news/data/2024/11/01/what-makes-this-city-the-worst-place-to-live-in-nevada-find-out-here/75987434007/  

Crime here, nah! Only the best people live here!  

https://pvtimes.com/news/four-suspects-face-drug-gun-child-abuse-charges-137170/ 

https://pvtimes.com/news/pahrump-man-suspected-of-attempted-murder-located-in-mtn-falls-137138/

But... I'll bet that most of these folks are stereotypes. Two of the surnames in the drug story are influential "families" in this town. Whether they are related to THE families, I don't know. And I'll bet I dollars to doughnuts that the families don't support candidate Kamala Harris.

I've actually lived in TWO of the listed "worst places!"

My town's local TV station is owned by a trump fanatic.  Here's the Facebook page of the station.

https://www.facebook.com/KPVM25 

This is what was posted four days ago. 

I'd be very concerned if I were associated with this PAC giving money to ensure political support. I wouldn't cash that gigantic fake check or the normal sized one that she probably will get in the mail. My wife received an unsolicited check for $47 from that PAC earlier this week. I hope that the Federal Election Commission does a thorough investigation into this issue and I also hope that the current administration looks into the immigrant behind the financial campaign's potential immigration problems and foreign operative status.

The station owner has the comments off for most of the political videos they post on their Youtube channel.  You know that they cannot handle criticism or others calling them out for misinformation. 

KPVM 25 TV - YouTube 

It's hard to be a blue dot in a red town. It's hard to exist publicly when you know that your neighbors openly mock everyone who is different or thinks independently.  

People ask why I stay here. I have been here for 12 years. My cost of living relatively low. My taxes are low. It's just that the culture here is SO screwed up. Foolishness breeds foolishness. Forty-thousand people living here and it's not even an incorporated place. There's no town government, just a Republican led County Commission. The citizens dissolved the town board before I moved here.

Because.... I don't know why.

Okay, you've lived through my incessant rant about life in Pahrump, NV. 

Yes, there are some good things about being here. We don't have much traffic. Smog isn't an issue. Cost of living is relatively low. Gas is cheaper than Vegas. We have a dark sky at night and the stars can be magnificent, well they were until all my neighbors all decided to put spotlights around their houses ruining my dark sky. We occasionally see wild horses and burros in town. The weather is mostly tolerable and it rarely snows. 

Have a good weekend. I hope our nation does the right thing and we have our first woman of color elected to our nation's highest office.

Thanks for sticking around.

Heather.

https://kamalaharris.com/

Nails. Halloween. Celebrities.

Hey everyone!

Tomorrow's Friday and by the grace of my employer, I'm off work. And I'm looking to get into a bit of mischief! I'm getting my brows waxed and for the first time I'm getting acrylic nails done! I have an appointment booked for late afternoon with my adult daughter and maybe the youngest kid, too. I'm hoping to get a length of a minimum 1/4" beyond the tip of each finger. Right now, some of my natural nails are about that long and I am able to work and type without interference. I intend to get a bright red gel coating to really stand out.

I'm so excited about this. I've told the women at work about my plans. Many of them are going out to the desert for a weekend of frolicking at Dumont Dunes to ride in their quads or side X sides. And yes, at least 4 of the women and their families/friends are going on this trip, probably at least 15 of their immediate family members are going to be there.  I've never been there; People say it's a fun atmosphere. I'd hoped to take my dirt bike in the past but it never happened and I'm not sure if my knees can handle the abuse at my advanced age (59). I've not ridden in a few years. We'll see.

Next week brings Halloween. I'm dressing up, of course. I was away last year because of my Mom's illness and subsequent passing. This is the first year for me to be "out" and celebrate work Halloween. I think one of my co-workers is disappointed that I'm going as Heather and not the way I dressed when I started working there. She said it would be fun. Meh, I have the pleasure of living as Heather and the drudgery of living in boymode. Heather will win, every time.  

I put an email out to the office today, reminding everyone that we're permitted to dress for Halloween within certain guidelines. I hope we get some other participants. I'll always be "over the top" for work Halloween but now instead of office girl, I'm able to glam it up and my youngest kid bought me the dream dress.  I'll be wearing a copy of the iconic white Marilyn Monroe pleated dress. I'm so excited! In my office email, I mentioned that we'd have at least one celebrity impersonator.

Election day is coming and I don't know if I'll be wearing that to the polls or I'll choose a different dress but I've gone to the polls the last few times as Heather and you know that I can't break that tradition.

Please remember to vote. We need every registered voter to protect our rights and our Nation's Constitution by choosing Kamala Harris and her running mate Tim Walz. As a trans person, the alternative is far too frightening.

I'll do my best to get photos.

Thanks for stopping by, have a great weekend. 

Heather

Happy October!

I'm back,

I'd like to share some of the good things that happen during my days at work. As I've said a few times, I've been out at work for nearly two years. These two years have been mostly great. I don't wear much jewelry, pretty much only earrings. But people frequently compliment choice of earrings. My kids and I went to Reno a couple of years ago and while we were there, my oldest bought be a pair of earrings with cats in coffee cups. People LOVE them! When I do my nails, they're shocked that a.) they're my own nails and b.) that I paint them myself. Personally, my skills are basic and I often get paint on the skin AND my nails but the result is generally decent. Yeah, there are people who are rude or crass but the majority are great. When at work, I'm not known as Heather. I use my given name. After interacting with customers they'll ask, "what's your name?" I reply with my given name without blinking and people smile and thank me and I always feel that my goal is to be a good trans ambassador in a ridiculously conservative rural Nevada town.  Mission accomplished! (If I get a good photo of Marilyn, I'll share it.)

Halloween is coming! For years, my kids and I have been trying to bring Marilyn Monroe to my life. This year it is happening! We have the iconic white dress, I have a blonde wig and I'll rock the look. My plan is to spend Friday at a salon getting some prep work done. The plan is for a stylist to wax and shape my brows and getting my first set of acrylic nails. A goal is to have permanent eyeliner and brow lines done too. The salon that I previously have used wasn't available so I've enlisted my eldest to schedule at the same nail salon that did my first manicure about 3 years ago. She said that they do waxing too.  We have an appointment set for next Friday after she gets out of work. I'm really looking forward to Halloween. 

I've had the experience of flying en femme. Because my sister and Dad are getting me from the airport these last two trips, I chose to fly in "mixed" mode. I'd worn a bra with medium size breast forms, camisole under a clingy tee shirt, woman's jeans and Skechers. Going through security in Vegas, I didn't separate my electronics in my carry-on adequately, so I had a secondary inspection of my chargers, phone battery bank, Roku player and other items but not my backup set of breast forms. Leaving Bradley Airport for my return flight, I had my carry-on inspected because of my breast forms. Neither place had an issue with the breast forms I was WEARING! No worries.

I've really come to terms with who I am. I almost always wear a bra and breast forms, like 24/7.  Even when I go out in male mode, I have a bra and breast forms on. I used to wear a sports bra under a tee shirt to not have the clips and adjusters visible. There are only a few times where I worry about bra type now, some doctor visits or visiting certain friends where I'll just wear the sports bra and amaller forms. Most times, I don't even think about it. I make sure it's visible and have an ample bosom. Life is good! 

A point worth restating is my belief that a majority of people don't even notice who we are. It reminds me of the episode of the TV series M*A*S*H where Hawkeye bets that he could walk through the entire camp naked and almost gets away with it until he's in the mess hall, someone notices and drops a cafeteria plate and everyone notices his state of undress. I've done most regular activities in girl mode for over two years and find that nobody treats me poorly. 

Last week was my birthday.  I took the day off from work so I could go to the Las Vegas Pride Parade with my kids on Friday evening. At 6:30 the night before, my phone rings and it's my GP doctor's office about test results from a cardiologist I'd visited... BACK IN MAY. I was due to have a surgery performed on my nose to clear the nasal passages and resolve a deviated septum. It is long past the original surgery date because of the slow cardiologist. I learned that I needed new bloodwork and another chest X-ray to get back on track. I was already set to drive to Vegas on Friday and we scheduled a radiology visit and I'd go while wearing what I would wear to watch the parade; a slinky tan animal print tank dress. As stated above, the experience was great. Everyone was fine. I used my given name, as that's my name... I think the guy sitting near me was checking me out even and muttered something about my legs. We scheduled this Thursday morning for my blood test which I did before work. I considered just wearing my woman's jeans, no wig and a male tee shirt but I worried getting to work on time and then having to return home, eat and change my wardrobe/gender presentation. I decided to dress for work. I chose a low-cut floral blouse and jeans and did my thing, signed in waited for the phlebotomist in the lobby. She came out, called my given name and didn't bat an eye. Nobody in the lobby even seemed to react. We talked while she did the draw. She asked where I worked but said nothing about given name versus Heather. Again, life is good! The Ear, Nose and Throat doctor who will be performing the surgery has already encountered my as Heather. She's a bit "no-nonsense" in her approach but she never said anything bad.

I'm sure that I have other things to share since I posted those few months back but my brain is getting too easily distracted to put more words to the screen.

I'm doing okay, all is well and remember this:

Life.

Is.

Good!

I hope y'all are doing okay too,

Thanks for reading this. 

Heather

It's been a while. Hello again!

     I've been busy. Lots going on. Still living my live authentically. Yes, I still have days where I am out in public as the "old me" rather than the new, feminine me. I have NOT gone back to boy mode for work since I started the journey but I have worn jeans and leggings to work.

    Yesterday I saw a social media posting from my cousin about their sibling's kid and their journey to transition. I haven't seen most of that side of my family in person since my Mom's Mom passed away back in the early nineties.  Based on the length of time it take me to post on my own blog, I bet you can just imagine how great my "keeping in touch" skills are with people I actually know and am related to... Blah, blah, blah... I know never end a sentence with a preposition.. LOL. 

I'm the social media friend to 4 out of 5 of that set of cousins and both parents, well their Dad passed a couple years back.. so I guess I'm now just the friend of their Mom on that social media site. . Yadda, Yadda.  

My Uncle was in the military and a bit of a hardass, I remember a time when their family visited my house when I was little. Their five kids, my sister and me and the four adults packed into our small kitchen. I have no recollection of what we ate (maybe spaghetti?) but I do remember that the kids weren't allowed to drink their milk until they had cleared their plates. The bunch of us kids must have ranged from about five to twelve years old. I recall thinking my uncle seemed mean because of not letting the kids dring.. After retiring from the military, they moved to the Dayton, Ohio area.  They all seemed to lead okay lives until adulthood. Three of the sisters became widows within about ten years and the other sister has been out since the mid-nineties but living in the Cincinatti area wasn't welcoming for a gay woman. She later moved to Southern California and had a family.

I am sure that my uncle was a diehard member of the GOP and having seen some of the social media postings of his only son, my cousin... I think he shared Dad's viewpoint.  I know my cousin uses Facebook and he has a Twitter account that has not been active in a few years.  I had looked at both Facebook and Twitter reading his activity and interactions with his nieces and nephews and remember seeing disparaging comments.  You now know that I'm not connected to my cousin who is the kid's actual parent on social media   I use the term kid lightly, My offspring are "kids" but they're all in their thirties.  So my cousin's thirty something kid with a Master's in Education is transitioning. Never met them. Really proud of them! Their Aunt posted the info online and also shared a link to a crowdfunding site to help pay their way on the road to transition.  I replied to the Aunt's posting with something along the lines of "it's important to be true to yourself and awesome to be able to know each step is a wonderful turn toward an amazing journey. Shortly after I replied, their Aunt liked my comment. Woot! We donated to the cause.  I said to my wife  that I may not be able to afford the cost to do anything myself but I'll help a younger sister along.  I get up this morning and have a notification on social media that the kid's father "liked" my statement.about being true to one's self. I hope he treats his kid with the respect that they deserve. I'm glad they're doing this while they're young and able to enjoy living authentically. I can only imagine what my life would have been like if I had the knowledge I now possess back when I was young.

I'm glad for the person transitioning. It's a scary time in our world. I live in rural Nevada, surely not the most welcoming community to be non-binary. The young person lives in North Carolia! I hope their community offers support!

My own kid is nonbinary. I offer absolute support for them!

As a person who still struggles with a bit of fear when walking out the door, even after a year and a half of living everyday in feminine mode I offer all the positive energy and strength to them and their spouse.

Heather

Next chapter

I'm here. There's lots to process since Mom's passing. 

I think the best possibility is to relocate to the family home in Massachusetts. Knowing that Dad's 84, in a fragile mental condition and living alone screams a message of need to me. My Wife and I had been talking for years about moving out of rural Nevada. We both have family in New England. There are possibilities for her to stay with a cousin while I get the family home in better condition and able to house us.

My sister seems okay with the idea of assisted living for Dad but it seems irresponsibly expensive. He's in a place that has been home for more than 50 years. It's like "muscle memory," he knows the quirks of the house. Mom and Dad lived frugally and amassed a reasonable nest egg. One night Dad was on a rant about needing to be in a nursing home or "old folks" home. I asked if he was comfortable spending thousands of dollars each month for such a thing. He was shocked when I gave him the number for living in one of those places. For now, we're still in Nevada and my sister and her husband are 30 minutes away from Dad but I think they're beyond burned out on taking care of old people.

Mom's funeral was a nice gathering for our family.  I got to see friends and family members that I've not seen in 30 years. We'd worried that nobody would show up. We were wrong, very wrong. I think we had about 50 at the funeral and 35 at the dinner.

Aside from my wife, all of my immediate family was there. Dad, Sister, Brother in Law, my three kids and Son's wife and my ex-wife. She and her husband went east back in September and made a point to have dinner with the family. Mom was very happy to have seen them. We had no idea that she'd pass shortly after.  Despite the circumstances, everyone was great. We had a very nice visit, My Son has never been back to Massachusetts since we left and his Wife had never been. They got to see things that blew their minds. A few years ago, my daughters had come with me for my cousin's wedding. We spent time exploring things that they had found online.  Places like Emily Dickinson's house and the Beneski Museum of Natural History, both in Amherst Massachusetts. At my first job, I worked down the street and unknowingly drove by the place lots of times. For this trip, the kids all decided to see the Beneski again. My Daughter in Law wanted to see it. I had other plans for part of the day so I got there about an hour before closing and had time to look at most of the fossils.  After that, we went to Yankee Candle in South Deerfield, we stayed until closing at Yankee and then drove up to the condo we rented before moving west so the kids could see it. This was Tuesday, the day after the funeral. Everyone was scheduled to fly out late Wednesday afternoon which gave us another chance to share lunch with Dad and my Sister and her Husband. The family had to be out of their AirBnB by 10, so Dad and I went to help wrap up the move-out. It was a cold and wet morning. After leaving, the kids wanted to visit a store they'd seen while driving to their Mom's friend. That turned out to be a wild goose chase but it was an adventure when it started snowing... on November first. We had some extra time before our lunch date so we went to see dinosaur tracks along the Connecticut river in Holyoke. Another place that I've been by countless times and had no idea that it existed. My ex and I lived almost directly across the river even. The kids and I went out into the rain and looked at the the many tracks, their Mom and my Dad stayed in the warm car and out of the rain.

There's more.

I'll follow up soon.

thanks for being here for me.

Heather.

Eleven Seventeen. One month and two days since...

 Yup, I've not posted since August. 

Things. You know.

Just... Things.

85 years, my Mom lived 85 years and two weeks.

I spent three weeks back east.

My birthday morning, I had a text message from a lifelong friend asking if I was aware that an ambulance was dispatched to my family's home. It was the first word I'd had that something was bad. Mom had been having a hard getting rest and not eating well. I contacted my sister who told me that Mom seemed to be doing okay after getting to the hospital. Ultimately we'd later learn that on the morning that Mom was taken to the hospital she'd had a heart attack overnight and an abdominal mass was later discovered. She spoke to the doctors about wanting to live and was prepped for surgery to address the mass. It was bad. Worse than anyone had expected. Wednesday afternoon, Mom and my sister sang a birthday greeting to me. I never expected for that to be the last time I'd hear Mom's voice. She went to surgery Thursday or Friday (it's a blur). I made arrangements to travel, arriving Friday evening. Surgery found that there was a cancerous mass that had attached to and constricted her internal organs. They took what they could but the mass was too aggressive. Mom was on a ventilator and all types of meds to force her heart to beat to maintain blood pressure. She was heavily sedated but was able to give feedback by squeezing our hand or wrinkling her forehead. She had previously expressed that she had no desire to live connected to machines in a vegetative state. She passed peacefully late Sunday night, five days after being taken in the ambulance.

My Dad's short term memory is gone. He has no concept of what happened yesterday or this morning or a few minutes ago. During the three weeks I'd stayed at the house, there were a couple of nights where Dad would knock at my bedroom door and ask where Mom was... There were evenings that I'd have to remind Dad that Mom's gone.. It's heartbreaking. Almost like living in the movie "Fifty first dates" or 'Groundhog Day." Having to relive the experience of telling Dad that his wife of 64 years is gone... Doing this over and over and over. Sometimes, multiple times per day. Still happens, He called a couple nights ago.

And by now you're asking if he's been diagnosed with any medical or brain condition. No,he hasn't. I think Mom and my sister were too proud to be frank with the doctors. I can't say what was discussed with the most recent doctor visit that happened this week. I haven't had a chance to go over it with my sister.

I think I'm going to move across the continent to take care of Dad. My sister has been taking care of both parents, nearly every day for at least five years. She retired last year and hasn't had a chance to have time off. 

There are some good things that have happened from losing Mom. While I was at the house, I told him about my gender identity. I openly dressed in female type clothing around the house and a couple of times when we'd gone out. Really, there is nothing good about losing Mom. Nothing.

I'll add to this story later. This has been a long week. I've been back home for two weeks and it's been non-stop.

Remember to call your loved ones, someday they won't be there and you'll wish they were able to answer your phone call.

Heather.