Thoughts

Hello again,
I've been thinking about society and the way people are.  When you're a person identifying as something outside of the "standard response" as I do, it is hard to become comfortable.
I'm not implying anything in this and it is just my observation, women struggled for acceptance in modern society and in many ways they have succeeded in being accepted as the true equal.  In many cases, a woman can aspire to any job or position in any industry, yes there are jobs women still haven't been invited to hold.  Does a sensible woman really wish to be Pope, RC Priest, leader of the Mormon church, etc?
She can (mostly) wear anything she chooses to most places. 
She can travel independently in the western world; male or female, in 2018 I would never go to Saudi Arabia or places like that.
She has power over her body.  I know that this is contentious in 2018, there are plenty of threats to this from the "religiously infected politicians."

I see articles online about trans-people, begin to feel good when I read them and proceed to the comments.  These are articles telling a survival story or a "how I got here" tale.  Nearly every article has people in reply attacking the trans community for existing.  It is infuriating to see this.  We have a series of laws guaranteeing equal protections under the Constitution but using their "freedom of speech" the commenters attack and insult the trans community. 

Like the debate on abortion:  if you don't like abortion, don't have one.  It is not any person's right to decide for another, equal person. This is a matter that was settled in the 1970's. 

I believe healthcare is also something protected and must be available, affordable (free or reasonably priced) and guaranteed for all.  Yes, if we had better access to mental health services, our society would be much improved.  I feel that I'd benefit from MH counseling, it may help me understand my dysphoria. 

I think to myself often about who and what I am and how I express myself.  How would I benefit if I were to speak candidly with someone about the two personalities inside this single body? 

Plans

Hello again.

After the success of my Halloween and the success or our charity group's trunk or treat and fundraiser, our group's president has come up with some plans for winter fundraising events.  One of the things she's proposing is holiday photos of pets with Santa.  She wants me to be Santa.  I am disappointed, I really wanted to be Mrs. Claus!  I will gladly be Santa for our group.  She has some plans for other people to come in and be elves, too.  It will be fun, one way or another.

My experience from the past week has been empowering.  I have never felt this level of confidence in anything in my life.  I'm Heather, first and foremost. There is still another portion of my existence but he's now in the background. 

Thanks for visiting my blog.

Heather

I had a long day.

I volunteer for a local non-profit. We worked all day on a "yard sale" fundraiser. My feet and legs are tired. 
The good thing is that after our day of service, I went to a nearby casino to play off my "free money" that I won on Halloween.  I have not gambled in ages. After about a half hour of playing a nickel video poker machine, I hit a royal flush for $40.  It was a "five play machine and I had some kind of winning hand on every line.  In all my years, it is the first time I've ever done that.  I cashed out my winnings and moved to another machine.  On my first play at the second machine, I hit for $16.  I walked out with more money that I'd entered with.

Heather

Long time, no me but I'm back!

Hello readers,
I've not made a blog posting in FOREVER! I'm back and I'll try to update my page more frequently.

Since my last update, I've traveled by plane across country to see family.  During my two and a half weeks of summer spent on vacation, I made a decision to present less male in that other state.  I saw the photos and marveled at my look.  It's clear that I'm more generously endowed up top than I ever was.

If you're ever looking to purchase new clothes, I highly recommend Dress Barn. Three weeks ago I stopped by one of their stores to get an idea for my Halloween outfit.  The salesclerk was wonderful, she offered ideas about the fit of the dresses and colors which may best work with my complexion.  I spent almost $50 for a dress and new earrings.  I bought them for my workday on October 31.  I went to work in my dress and heels, garter belt and seamed stockings and my wig. Before work, I stopped at the grocery store to buy Halloween candy, too.  After work, I went to a Trunk or Treat event and handed out almost $100 in candy with a friend. Our evening was topped off with dinner out at a casino.  The place was holding  a contest for people dressed up, I decided to enter the contest and took second place!

Today was the final day of early voting.  I rushed home after work to change my clothes and put on my lingerie, dress and heels and hastily painted my nails and met my wife at the polling place. I cast my ballot.

I just want to remind every person to be yourself.  My most recent experiences gave me a huge confidence boost.  I feel so good about myself.

Thanks for reading my blog.

Life

Working with the public, I see lots of people in our office every day.  I basically am the greeter/reception person for the office.  Today, a male person who presents as a female came to the office.  I'm both jealous and upset by them.  Damn, I wish I had the strength of character to live in "small town America" as a woman but I would do everything in my power to put my best foot forward and present myself as the best woman I could be.  They didn't...

I almost want to take them aside and have a "girl to girl" talk about having the guts to just live it.

I also had to mention to the women in the office that I pulled the look off better when I dressed for Halloween.

'til next time.

Heather

Thanks Mom!

I love my Mom. 

Last time I visited my parent's house, the thing that surprised me most was the new photo on their fridge.  It was a picture of me.  Dressed for work on Halloween. 

It made me feel great.

I wonder if they have any idea that I spend most of my time dressed in women's clothing?  I have a strong desire to tell them.  My spouse has suggested that it is a bad idea.  Why tell them something that may upset them?  Yes, good point but my counter point is: this is me.  I am not ashamed of who I am.  I want to be honest about myself.  I've had to hide a part of myself for fifty years.  I don't want to hide any more.  If I had the means, I would do so much more to make my life as Heather a full time reality. 

Happy Mom's day.

Direction...or lack of?

I've been able realize the dream of wearing women's clothing for about a year and a half.  On a daily basis, I will be "underdressed" by wearing some type of knickers bra and breastforms under my male office wear.  On drives to the city, I have been pushing the envelope by wearing a blouse and the larger breasforms and sometimes have my nails painted.  Almost every drive back from the city is made fully en-femme.

Here's the dilemma.  I am struggling with a desire to be more like a woman on a daily basis.  I constantly think about more permanent changes such as breast implants, hormones and possibly re-assignment surgery.  When I am dressed as a woman, things about me just seem to be perfect.  There are two things that stand in my way. 

1.)  The permanence of a sex change is scary and I know this is why counseling is recommended prior to making a permanent change.  The thought of losing my most masculine traits holds both intrigue and fear.  Sexually, I am not interested in fathering children but I cannot deny I'll miss the pleasure of climax.  Admittedly, I 've never researched what kind of sensations a person experiences after having re-assignment surgery. 

2.)  Financial.  There is just no extra money in my life to shell out thousands for something that is both elective and selfish.  I have not looked into the health insurance plan's coverage for something like this but if it is anything like having three warts and two moles removed, I'll be paying for it out of pocket.

Wearing my breastforms, I feel complete.  I feel right.  The weight of them and the way they move when I move is perfection.  Wearing a lightweight top, underwire bra filled with my breastforms and a favorite skirt gives me a confidence I've never felt as a male.  Even if I stated that I'm apprehensive of re-assignment surgery, I'd get breast implants.  It would be great to not have fake ones stuck to my chest in the heat of summer.
I don't wish to be alluring to others.  I don't wish to be sexually attractive to others.  I just want to be happy.  I want to be me, however I wish to present myself to the world, let me be me. 


Thanks for visiting.

Heather